by Anita

 “Ask God for forgiveness and straighten your path”. Humphh! Easier said than done.

Dear Diary,

Faking it is getting really tiring!The  You’d think I’d have perfected the act by now, right? Well, I haven’t. Instead of getting easier it’s getting more difficult to do. Lifting my hands in church, simple right? Not for me it isn’t, not when I know that my life has not pleased God in a long while.

I look around me while I’m in church; everyone seems to be lost in the Spirit (not that you can tell who is faking it, I hope it isn’t easy to tell because mine is so not genuine). Some kneel, others stand, a few sit; all have their hands stretched to the heavens, their faces rapt in wonder. [Sigh] What I would give to experience that feeling again. I have been in church for so long that I know the usual advice people give in situations like mine: “Ask God for forgiveness and straighten your path”. Humphh! Easier said than done. How can I ask God for forgiveness when I know I will slip into sin again? I know what he wants from me, total surrender not partial, which seems to be all I can offer.

There was a time it wasn’t that difficult to give God everything, a time when lifting my hands in church was very natural, but that was before I met Deji.

Okay, I know that’s not fair. Deji is not the reason my life is a mess right now. He is a great guy, the right kind. He does not drink, smoke or womanize plus he treats me like a lady, like I said the right kind. There’s just this teeny weenie issue- he loves to make out. I’m not a prude, of course I love making out with him too. When I’m with him I shelve every inner voice that tells me to stop, in fact I ignore every voice in my head, I just feel, and boy do I feel. But when it’s over there’s just shame and regret, but apparently not enough shame and regret to prevent a repeat performance.

At first, I’d run to God in tears so sure I’d never fall into the same sin again but now I can’t even talk to God like I know I ought to. I feel so guilty and weak, the fact that I know he will not condemn me only makes me feel worse. I don’t think asking for forgiveness is ideal if I am not going to take the necessary steps to ensure that sin doesn’t creep into my life again [Sigh].

How did things get so bad? How I long for the days when the ultimate “sin” I was dealing with was being a smart-ass.

[Yawn] I better get to bed now, have to get up early to prepare that marketing strategy for my boss. Why do I wait till the deadline to do stuff anyway?

Monday, the 2nd of July. 9:23pm…

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30 Days 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians from across the world to share their stories and experiences – creating a meeting point where our common humanity is explored.

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija