New Power Excuses Committee! All in last week’s news… with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola 

MTN to give call credits to politicians who’ve lost their credibility.

PETA sues Oteh

The last hasn’t been heard about that dinner bill incurred by the Director-General of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), Ms Arunma Oteh, at the Transcorp Hotel. A group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has sued Ms Oteh at the Federal High Court Abuja, over the number of animals she single-handedly consumed in the course of just one dinner. PETA said it was worried that if Ms Oteh could digest all those animals in one night, then the animals face certain extinction if she continues as DG of SEC and keeps enjoying more of such free night foods.

Meanwhile Ms Oteh has continued to fire salvo at all her detractors. In a new release, she said, “With all due respect, I’m still growing in the power game, what is the big deal if I have some protein? As the boss lady, I don’t see anything wrong with having a few rounds of classical snails, lobster bisgue, roast pork belly, creme brulee, pan-fried salmon, fresh crayfish, just to mention a few. Or did they want me, a Harvard graduate to eat un-classical snails like the masses who don’t even know the difference between classical and un-classical snails?” 

The Kano example

When it comes to applying innovation to solve economic and social challenges, the Kano State government through the Kano State Hisbah Command is setting the pace for the rest of the nation. In a move that was widely lauded as landmark, the government gave new husbands to 1000 widows who’d lost theirs. But they aren’t done yet. Next up, they’ve promised to give new sanitary pads to 1000 mad men who lost their sanity. They’ll also give bags of fertilisers to hundreds of infertile couples. Lastly they’ve ordered MTN to give call credits to politicians who’ve lost their credibility.

Barth Nnaji’s dilemma

There is an air of confusion in the Ministry of Power, as the Power Minister, Prof Barth Nnaji confessed privately to aides that he’s running out of inspiration for excuses to offer to Nigerians on his poor scorecard so far. He has therefore inaugurated an in-house Power Excuses Committee (PEC) charged with issuing and regulating excuses.

Prof Nnaji lamented that having used gas shortage, decreased water level, low tariffs as well as militancy as excuses, he was now “excuseless,” and needed help. According to insiders, the committee has gotten down to business and has already invented new excuse lines to be released in instalments. Some of the new lines include: “the Ministry of Power is winning the war against power because power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely;” “the unprecedented heat in Nigeria is affecting the power plants too;” and “the PDP and the Power Ministry are fighting over who should give ‘Power to the people.'”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Last week, an Austrian Court absolved Petroleum Minister Diezani Allison-Madueke of any involvement in the purported purchase of a 20million euros mansion in Vienna, the Austrian capital and ordered the Haute newspaper of Vienna which reported the barefaced lie to do a public revocation. For the records, A Pinch…does not think highly of the job Mrs Madueke is doing as minister and believes she would have fared better as a star in a cheapskate drama (remember her tears at Ore road when she was still Transport minister?) However, A Pinch…always plays fair and frowns at lies, deceit and character defamation, even if the victim is Mrs Madueke. The reason we can’t afford to take sides with rumour peddlers like The Haute newspapers is because solidarity with wrongdoers intoxicate and emboldens them and before long there’ll be no stopping them. And who knows who would be hit next? The Haute newspaper receives the CeeCee this week in the hope that it would be a memorial unto them whenever they feel the urge to hurt someone again.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

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