Is a headline clickbait if it’s true?
Well, too late now, I’ve already said it. Nigerian millennials (15 – 25, I’ll expand the catchment area to include 35 year olds) are notoriously, perilously bad at sex. There is not one sexually active person in my immediate and extended social circles that hasn’t a sexual encounter so bad, they practically were turned off sex for a while. The horror stories are often vast and varied, and are sometimes just downright pitiful.
Sure the youngins are unilaterally bad at sex. You can’t blame them really. The sex talk either never happens in Nigerian homes, and in the few where it does, it is so painfully awkward that you just blot the entire thing out of your mind. So we end up learning from ‘older’ lovers, or pornography. Sure, some people luck out and actually have their first few times with someone who is actually experienced and willing to teach a few tricks, or stumbles on pornography that is less Blacks on Blondes and more Vivid Video (not that Vivid Video is better but at least they pretend to have a storyline), but the majority of Gen Z had it pretty bad that first time. There is so much pressure to already be ‘sex-savvy’ that most of us survived through the ordeal and used it as a yardstick for future sexual encounters.
With the older ones, it’s Russian Roulette. Maybe 1 of 5 are actually experienced/good at sex. But to get to that one, you need to get into bed with a couple of frogs. Sadly, because they’re older, you always catch yourself actually anticipating/hoping that they know what they’re doing, and the crushing disappointment of meeting a 35 year old with virgin bush who thinks the entirety of foreplay is hastily pulling off the other person’s underwear after pecking at their lips for five minutes like an impatient vulture is the kind of thing that triggers PTSD. That’s why we’re out here fucking (some) married folk. Because they got the sauce, and they know it.
This isn’t a lesson on how to have better sex, sorry millennials. You want my knowledge amassed by wading through a shit ton of fuck-folk, you can drop a comment and I’ll drop my paypal. Like everyone who taught themselves, and then proceeded to teach a handful of other people that for starters, there is proper etiquette for a first proper kiss (lower lip, upper lip, nudge mouth slightly open, dart tongue in), I’m tired of teaching.
No shame in Googling, that’s what the internet is for (other than Pornhub of course), save the rest of the horror of adults thinking it’s okay to bite a clitoris and read a book/pamphlet/webpage.
Read, you dumbasses.
Follow @ynaija on Twitter