by Stanley Azuakola

It’s the last day of 2012, and we believe you deserve to know the names of those who gave us the worst quotes of the year and what it was that they said.

So, without much ado…

– “Why is it that each time Barack Obama is about to submit himself for a presidential election and seek a mandate from his people there is a raging, monumental, earth-shattering and record-breaking freak of a storm which kills numerous people in America? What is his source of power?” – Femi Fani-Kayode (November 3^rd)

Oh Femi! The man truly is something. Good thing no one is shocked anymore to hear him say stuff like that. Well sir, there is a thing called Google, you should try it out sometimes, it is not, Juju. Ok, let’s save you the trouble: The peak of the American (Atlantic) hurricane season is August to late October and the US election always holds between November 1 and 8. Obama has no hand in either of the two calendars.

– “You can take two litres of acid and shut up.” – Dino Melaye (September 9^th)

This Melaye tweet, his response to a question on Twitter, is a classic. I’ll just say two things about this and shut up. Some of us are lucky in life; we know that the smartest thing to do is never to take a foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, unashamedly hypocritical politician like Melaye seriously. We will live long. The rest of you who continue to think that Melaye means well or is sensible in the least, may you not be forced to swallow acid in 2013.

– “I am even more lenient. When God got angry with the Israelites, he unleashed fire on them. As a considerate man, I am not unleashing fire but simply suspending [Newswatch] magazine” – Jimoh Ibrahim (August 12^th)

2012 would be remembered as the year of the Jimoh Ibrahim meltdown. Everything the man touched went under. But despite the number of people now jobless because of him and the creditors he’s been unable to pay, we can at least take solace in the fact that he is a more lenient god.

– “I refer to all the cynics, the pestle-wielding critics, the unrelenting, self-appointed activists, the idle and idling, twittering collective children of anger, the distracted crowd of Facebook addicts, the BBM-pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria, who seem to be in competition among themselves to pull down President Goodluck Jonathan.” – Reuben Abati (August 26^th)

You’ve got to pity dear Abati. This is what happens when you are in competition with a man like Doyin Okupe to win the president’s (or first lady’s) heart. That entire article from which this quote was cut could have made it on this list as one big bad quote. It was that bad.

– “I don’t have any information on that. You don’t expect me to call her and ask ‘when are you returning?’ Is she my mate?” – Spokesman to Dame Patience Jonathan, Ayo Osinlu (September 5^th)

This was Osinlu’s response when asked about the first lady who travelled to Germany and refused to return. Surely you must admire this spokesman who respects his mama, sorry boss, so much that he considers it an insult to call her to inquire on when she intends to return from her vacation or rise from the sick bed depending on which rumour you choose to believe.

– “Considering my age, size and past achievements, I don’t think it’s proper for them to call me an attack dog. They should even call me an attack lion.” – Presidential spokesman, Doyin Okupe (August 13^th)

Okupe is right, at 60 years old, he can’t be called a puppy and he does have quite a few past achievements. But on the matter of ‘size’, that is a tricky matter…

 

– “We must resolve to jointly exorcise the evil spirit behind this darkness… Nigeria needs help.” – Minister of state (power), Hajiya Zainab Kuchi (November 28^th)

On the last day a lot of Nigerians would face judgement for false accusation and bearing false witness against evil spirits. Hajiya Kuchi was playing host to South African investors and knew she needed to sound really smart to impress them, so she told them this. Very smart, Madam. Very, very smart.

– “The issue of asset declaration is a matter of personal principle. That is the way I see it, and I don’t give a damn about it, even if you criticise me from heaven.” – President Goodluck Jonathan (June 23^rd)

In 2005, a line in the movie, Gone with the wind, was voted as the number one movie line of all time by the American Film Institute. It was spoken by the character, Gable: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” he said. What made it a great movie line was because in those days (1939), it was considered so profane that using it in a movie was very daring. That profanity is what our president brought into all our living rooms during the June media chat. It’s the most thoughtless thing a leader can say to his people. Surprisingly, that was the first time Jonathan would publicly dare God. Nigerians already knew he doesn’t give a damn about us, but did the heavens know he doesn’t give a damn about criticisms from there too?

– “There is no law that says a politician that has been jailed should not be going to the presidential villa. Have you seen Bode George or any of these people and the president kissing…?” – Doyin Okupe defending President Jonathan’s close relationship with ex-convicts (December 6^th)

Pause (for 14 years). No, Doyin, we’ve not seen Bode George and President Jonathan kissing. But we’ve seen you… kissing ass.

– “I never promised to reduce poverty. I only promised to create wealth.” – Goodluck Jonathan (November 18^th)

First, the quote above is simply not true. The president indeed promised to reduce poverty in at least half a dozen occasions as he campaigned to be president. But that’s not even why this quote is here. It’s here because it doesn’t even mean anything. It’s here because I spent two days trying to figure out if it made any sense at all. It’s here because after he said it some of his aides tried to spin it like he’d made the most profound statement ever. Bleh! That statement is far from profound, I promise you that.