by Erika Souter

Men! They will never cease to surprise us. That is especially true when it comes to sex. The other day, a friend told me about her husband’s quirky pre-sex habit. On their scheduled nookie nights (yes, they put sex on the calendar; otherwise, it wouldn’t happen), he clips his toenails.

He does it EVERY TIME. It drives her nuts, but she doesn’t really have a good reason for telling him not to. After all, she imagines it’s because he doesn’t want to scratch up her legs. The whole scenario made me chuckle. So I asked other wives about the off-the-wall things their husbands did before sex too. Here are the hilarious answers.

1. “He feeds the dog.

It’s like he always remembers at that exact moment we are getting ready to, you know. Then he comes back to the room and all I can think about is him unknowingly rubbing microscopic bits of dog food over my body.”

2. “He does push-ups.

Like he’s pumping himself up or something.”

3. “He showers for like an HOUR.

Probably because he wants to relax in there and wind down. I get it, but I am also going to be fast asleep by the time he finally decides to emerge from his mini spa day.”

4. “He was a little drunk and he peed on me.”

5. “He called his mother.

It didn’t just kill the mood, just the thought of her makes me mad.”

6. “He put Vicks Vapor Rub on his penis.”

7. “He flossed — IN BED. I could see the particulars flicking from his mouth. YUCK.”

8. “He makes really sarcastic or inappropriate jokes to ‘rile me up.’He thinks it’s a turn-on. It isn’t. Though I think it might be for him!”

9. “He pooped.

I mean seriously, who wants to get it on with a guy who just made our bathroom smell like the monkey house in the zoo.”

10. “Oh God, my husband sometimes makes this sound … like a little hum … da da dum before sex. I’ve been trying to find a nice way to tell him to STOP for ages now.”

11. “One time I went to use my mouth on my husband before sex and it tasted horrible! Turns out he had put hand sanitizer on it! WTH is wrong with men?!”

12. “I’ve caught him tweezing the gray hairs from his private parts right before. There is something so unsexy hearing him yell ouch a zillion times.”

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