Aderonke Adebanjo: What do you do while you’re waiting to get married?

Plus, there will always be something to look forward to once you’ve acquired what you were “waiting” for, so you might as well make the most of the waiting period, right?

Most people I know want to get married. I mean, it’s the topic of discussion everywhere you go. No matter how hard you try (or maybe like me, you don’t try hard) to avoid it, it creeps up in conversation.  The other day, I brought a group of people together for what I’ve called Conversations & Cocktails, an evening of great company, a good laugh, and an opportunity  to meet new people.

We talked about a bunch of stuff from the recently introduced traffic laws in Lagos to everyone’s favorite movie and boy, was it an eclectic list. It was certainly an evening well spent. Anyways, point is even though I decided I wouldn’t be the one to bring up the discussion on love (since I’m known to love love and love talking about it), I didn’t. But of course it found its way into the conversation.

We are social beings. Even God said it is not good for man to be alone, so I think it’s great that most people desire to be in a relationship and to eventually get married. My thought lately is around the waiting period. When you’re “waiting” for prince charming to come along, what do you do?

I mean, chances are he’s probably really not far off so, you might as well take a load off, right? Well, I really think we need to have a plan for the waiting period because life is for living and not merely existing or waiting for the next phase.

Plus, there will always be something to look forward to once you’ve acquired what you were “waiting” for, so you might as well make the most of the waiting period, right?

There’s this saying that “the single want to be married and the married want to be single” (Not that married people want out but they remember their single days and long for them from time to time). So, in essence, there will always be that next thing, next phase, next chapter, next this or next that to look forward to. If this is the case, then it is important to maximise the waiting period and live it to the fullest.  It’s also important to get it together while you wait and thoroughly enjoy the journey.

As someone recently said “ the real joy is in the journey”. Think about it: When you’re on a long journey and throughout the ride, you are grouchy, irritated, etc. even if this was a place you were excited about going to, because the journey was unpleasant, the destination won’t feel like “all that” when you finally get there. Why? Because you’ll think of all the things you should have done to make the journey more fun and I think it’s the same with marriage.

If your single life was simply a bland waiting period, after the thrill and excitement of the wedding day and maybe the honeymoon, marriage might seem overrated. Ya get me? And there will always be something to look forward to e.g. having babies. So it’s important to enjoy every bit of every journey at every phase!

That means, getting it together in every area of life. I find a number of single people, particularly women, seem to put many things on hold in life while they wait for their man.  Many women seem so preoccupied with the desire to be married to the point where they refuse to make certain life decisions like relocate to another town or even country for fear that they might “miss” their man or that it would make his search more difficult.

Or some women put off buying a house or car because it is a huge financial decision they want to make with their man. Now, while it’s good to think ahead in some regard, why plan around someone you don’t even know?! Why deny yourself the joy and pleasure of doing certain things because of someone you haven’t met yet?

To all of this, I say, ladies, get it together! Take your life off autopilot! Live! Move! Buy the car and house! Essentially, get your life together! Get your finances, career, health, (other) relationships, personal goals, spiritual life, etc. in order. Be the best you can be in all those areas. Stop planning your life around someone you don’t know. Chances are he will like the person you allow yourself to become so much better than the “you” that’s being hindered from being and doing all you want to be.

Snap out of the “I can’t do this or that or move my life forward until I have a man” mindset and move! Get. It. Together. Girl.  – pull yourself together and get yourself together! Grow, expand your horizons, blossom in these areas and don’t let your wait stop you. Remember “the real joy is in the journey”. Let him find you at the best “you” you can be at that point in your life’s journey not as a “you” that has so much more potential but is hiding it cos you’re waiting on him.

Don’t get me wrong, I know most women are hardworking and they have it together in many respects but sometimes the desire for a relationship and marriage can become so overwhelming that even a woman who seems to have it together might unconsciously start to put things on hold and let herself go because she feels “unsettled” in that area of her life.

Don’t give in to that feeling/temptation. Get it together, do you, and when he finds you, he’ll find (have) the best “you” that there is at that point in time.

P.S. I focused on women but guys does this happen to y’all as well where you feel like you’re putting stuff on hold until you find her? I know there’s a dimension in life that guys get to only when they get a wife and that’s another topic for another day but guys do you find that you consciously or unconsciously put stuff on hold while you’re looking for her?

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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