Laws and prophesies for 2012, all in last week’s news…with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Investigations have shown that some public officials are frantically lobbying to have T. B. Joshua of The Synagogue Church of All Nations prophecy concerning their offices.

Kidnapping law annoys kidnappers

Nigeria’s National Assembly (NASS) has come under fire from the National Assembly of Kidnappers (NAK) over a new law being pushed by the legislators which prescribes life sentences for convicted kidnappers. NAK has warned that they would only accept the “unfair law if a balancing law which will stiffen the punishment for government officials who kidnap the nations’ resources is promulgated.” They proposed that looters should still be jailed, but only if they survive any of the following two new clauses: Lock them in their looted mansions and bring in El-Rufai’s bulldozers or Print new cash amounting to their total loot and feed them the raw cash (to be served with non-subsidised fuel.)


T. B. Joshua turns into beautiful bride

Investigations have shown that some public officials are frantically lobbying to have T. B. Joshua of The Synagogue Church of All Nations prophecy concerning their offices. This strategy which some have dubbed “The Osaze Doctrine,” is named after the Super Eagles player who famously blamed Prophet Joshua for the Eagles failure to qualify for the 2013 Nations Cup. Our investigations reveal that some contractors want Prophet Joshua to declare that if projects are given to other competing contractors, the projects would never be completed and some governors want him to declare their states to be irredeemably bankrupt no matter what they do. By far the most audacious of all is the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF) which is pleading with the prophet to resign from his church and take over from Samson Siasia as Eagles head coach. 


Nollywood snub sparks criticism

The Executive Director of the New York African Film Festival, Mahen Bonetti, has come under withering criticism from a section of Nollywood over what they called her “blind bias against the number one African Movie Industry.” Their anger stemmed from Bonetti’s article for CNN African Voices in which she listed the ten best African films that introduce audiences to African cinema and failed to mention any Nollywood production. One critic, Mrs Ende Glory, blasted Bonetti saying, “She is just biased. I have not watched the films she listed but I can assure you that they will have nothing to introduce to anyone interested in African cinema. How can any fair-minded person ignore Nollywood classics such as ‘Coming to Africa’, ‘Jolly Just Come’, ‘Oyinbo in Lagos’ or ‘Mr Wakabout’? ”

Crowned Clown (CeeCee) of the week

Before handing out the CeeCee this week, A Pinch of N(u)ews commends the big telecoms operators in Nigeria who heeded our calls in last week’s CeeCee segment and compensated subscribers following RIM’s blackberry blackout.

For the second straight week, the CeeCee goes abroad, in fact this week it goes to the underworld where Muommar Gaddafi lies, dead. Irrespective of what people say his last words were, A Pinch of N(u)ews cannot shed a tear for the fallen dictator. It’s hard to weep for a tyrant who possessed a mega-messianic complex and ruled with a deadly iron fist for 42 years. Of course, no man can be all bad, and even Gaddafi had his brilliant spots, present but insufficient. His life, especially his last days, and his death will serve notice that the banners of tyranny wouldn’t fly forever. Someday, a Jeremiah will come to judgement. Adieu Gaddafi, we will not miss you.


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Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.



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