#OneForTheRoad: Yvonne Nelson’s House of Gold’, Charles Novia’s ‘Alan Poza’ & 3 others are the WORST movies of 2013 – See the list

by Eromo Egbejule

House-of-Gold

2013 was a year that we, the viewing public had the misfortune of seeing some really trashy movies. Nollywood and its’ younger sibling, Ghollywood continue to flourish and prosper but still have a lot to work on to transform its reputation of being a dumping ground for crappy scripts. It was such a pity that we had to endure cinematic turkeys, but if you still haven’t seen them, it’s better not to, except if you love low-grade comedy.

House of Gold: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And he saw that they were good. And then he created a man and a woman, Adam and Eve, who then kept reproducing until the turn of Noah, father of Shem, Ham and Japheth. Ham, father of the black race, of course, had sex and fathered a number of kids who eventually settled in various places in Africa, one of them being the forefather of the elegant and sexy Yvonne Nelson. However, Yvonne Nelson who we pray, births children as beautiful as her, decided to combine her acting with a directorial role to birth, so to speak, her own flicks. And the first offspring is House of Gold, which is really so terrible we’d rather recant boring history and evolution theories instead. Omawumi and Francis Odega provide the only decent acting in the thing our Ghanaian star calls a movie. Our prayers as we countdown to 2014 in our various religious gatherings tonight will be that she does not try her hands at music.

Lagos Cougars: At the next United Nations session, some world leader needs to move a motion to recognize the International Day In Honour of Scripts Destroyed by Desmond Elliot the Director, after this one and 2012’s In The Cupboard. Sound design flaws, extremely predictable script and some of the establishment shots in this movie could have been shot with a BlackBerry. No, really. On the bright side, there’s some real good acting from some of the lesser- known names like Sean Faqua, Alex Ekubo, Bobby Michaels and Diana Yekini (remember her from Ije?) who we hope take over the industry real quick.

Alan Poza: Charles Novia is a fine critic and a good man but the name Alan Poza was probably the only good thing about his comeback movie. And a miffed OC Ukeje too. Riddled with clichés, it is a glassy showcase of everything that is wrong with Nollywood. Continuity is zero and the African-American preacher imitation done by Novia himself is yawn-inspiring. The Lagos sexual therapy clinic thingy could have been pulled off with better actors and a better script in a real comedy flick.

Cheaters: Frank Rajah-Arase is the Ghollywood actor cum director, famous for his softporn movie, Forbidden Fruit and for arching his head and pushing his forest of eyebrows in the most ridiculous way to portray being angry while acting. Cheaters, atale of womanizers and which was released in 2013, is just as pitiable. From actors shouting all their lines in dialogue to the script hurrying along like Usain Bolt is trying to outrun Clark Kent and the plain noisy sound, the movie is a mess. If you must go ahead to watch, do so with an open mind, to avoidregret.

Weekend Getaway: Too many cooks spoil the soup. A forgettable flick, save for the antics of Alex Ekubo, who has been a standout performer this year, along with OC Ukeje and Mercy Johnson.

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  2. i agree that cheaters is one ridiculous film,

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