by Brooke Dean
While it may seem to some that sex is sex and getting it can never be a bad thing, there can be a such thing as the wrong kind of sex.
My new favorite show on ABC is called Mistresses. I know…sounds scandalous – and it is – and like most guilty pleasures, it involves sex. Lots of it. You have women who get too much of it, not enough of it or who get it from the wrong person, ie: NOT their husbands or someone else’s husband. While it may seem to some that sex is sex and getting it can never be a bad thing, there can be a such thing as the wrong kind of sex. Think you know the difference between healthy and unhealthy sex? See if you’ve ever participated in any of the following…and if it was good or bad for you.
1. FIRST DATE SEX
There are no rules as to when a person should or should not have sex. If you’re feeling frisky after a few drinks on the first date or even want to have a one-night-stand, that’s your business. But for some, sex on the first date can make you feel used, dirty or bad about yourself the next day. When it comes to deciding on having sex on the first night, let your instincts be your guide and be safe about it. Just be sure you’re comfortable with your decision, whatever it is.
2. BREAK-UP SEX
You may be saying to each other, “Let’s just do it once for old time’s sake,” but that could just make the break up worse than it already is. Most people who want to have break-up sex are still trying to hold on in some way, which can only make the break-up linger longer than it should. Either decide to break up, break ties completely and move on, or stop playing around and decide if breaking up is really what you want to do. If not, then work it out. If it is a breakup, no more goodies. Even if you feel like you can move on after sex, the other person may still be in his or her feelings and you don’t want to take the other person on an emotional roller coaster. Don’t do it.
3. MAKE-UP SEX
Make-up sex can be fun, but it can be damaging in the long run if every argument is settled this way. If you have sex after you’ve come to a resolution to the conflict, then rock out! But if you both gloss over the issue by having sex just to shut the other person up or avoid the issuealtogether, chances are you’ll just keep arguing over the same thing and never come up with a solution. Some couples can function this way, and thriving on conflict is what keeps their relationship exciting. But chances are this can’t go on forever before one of you starts to feel resentful, cheated or dismissed. Also, some men or women may purposely start some ish JUST to have make-up sex because they think that’s the best sex. If you really don’t like confrontation or drama, make-up sex may only create more of it.
4. “DON’T LEAVE ME!” SEX
This is the desperate sex you have when you want to keep a man after he’s said that he’s leaving you or wants to break up. It’s that feeble attempt to save the relationship hoping that the man will realize all that good loving he’ll be missing if he leaves and no one can put it on him like you do. Chile please. Sex may get a man, but it won’t keep him. And if you think that’s all you have to offer him so that he’ll stay or that’s the only thing he’ll be missing about you, then you need to let him go so you can work on building yourself up.
5. PEER PRESSURE SEX
If you had sex because your friends are doing it or because you were being teased for being a 22-year-old virgin, then you probably didn’t enjoy it. Sex usually isn’t the greatest the first time anyway, so it’s best to wait until you are ready to do the do for the first time. Also, if a man says he’s not waiting anymore because it’s been three weeks and you still haven’t given him the cookies, don’t give in. If he’s not willing to wait, he’s undeserving of your love and sex anyway.
6. REBOUND SEX
You may think that having sex with the next guy you meet after a bad break-up will make you feel better, but chances are it won’t. Now, if it’s been months since you ended a relationship and are in a rut, then getting busy with someone new can bring about a sense of renewed confidence by feeling desired by another man. Sex can be a stress reliever too, so having sex with the next best thing may have its benefits at first to loosen you up. But if you’re looking to the rebound guy to fill a void before you’ve healed from a previous relationship, rebound sex may only make you feel worse.
7. DRUNK SEX
Some people like having sex while they’re inebriated because the alcohol helps them to lose their inhibitions and be freaky all night long. I can see how that might work. But drinking too much has also caused many men and women to make bad judgement calls when choosing who to sleep with, where, and even engaging in risky behavior – like not using condoms. Some say that alcohol also dampens sensation, decreases their ability to climax and some men say that they have a hard time getting it up when they’re drunk. If you plan on having sex, have just one or two drinks. If you don’t plan on having sex, don’t get so drunk that you wind up doing something you’ll regret.
8. PITY SEX
Having sex because you feel sorry for someone is just lame. Even if they don’t know it’s pity sex, you do…and it only makes you just as pathetic as they are. You may be making him feel better but what about you? If that person can’t get sex on his own, it’s probably for a reason. Don’t be the cornball who gives in to someone else’s shortcomings.
9. OBLIGATORY SEX
Obligatory sex usually happens when one partner doesn’t feel like doing it, or may no longer enjoy it, but feels he or she needs to do it anyway – not out of pity, but out of duty. He wants sex morning, noon and night and tells you it’s your “job” to make sure all his needs are met…or someone else will. If that’s the case, you should tell him to kick rocks. This kind of sex can lead to feelings of resentment and eventually, you’ll reach your boiling point and blow up. If you don’t feel like it, don’t do it, especially if it’s to the point where it feels like a chore. Explain to him how you feel and ask him to be respectful of your feelings. If he can’t understand that, then too bad. Regular sex is important to a relationship, but if you’re tired, sick or just need a break, tell him to buzz off until you feel up to it. However, if you NEVER feel up to sex, there may be something else going on that’ll need attention from a doctor or therapist.
10. ADULT VIDEO SEX
This type of sex happens when you or your man have watched too many adult videos and think that sex is supposed to be this reverse-cowgirl, flying from the chandeliers type of event EVERY SINGLE TIME you two get busy. Word of advice, don’t believe all the hype you see on these videos. They don’t have marathon sex, not all women scream like banshees and not everyone is limber or in shape enough to execute all of those twisted up sex positions. There is nothing wrong with experimenting and learning some new tricks, but be realistic. You and your partner can get creative and try what the other likes or wants without breaking a hip. “Regular” sex is just fine too.
Read this article in Madame Noire
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.