by Paul Carrick Brunson
In order to meet a secure man wanting to commit, you have to be a secure woman who upholds her “relationship vitals”.
If you keep winding up on dates with the same type of men, over and over again, this post is for you. There are things we should know about our character and personality that make us susceptible to attracting and staying with unbalanced partners. It is important to pay attention to this because doing so can help bring healthier people into your life. The following are eight types of men and what dating them could say about you.
1. Mr. Narcissist
Description: His charm, talent, success, beauty and charisma cast a spell on you and everyone around. His conversation is scintillating! Once hooked, however, you battle with his demands, criticisms and self-centeredness.
Dating Him Could Mean: You are also narcissistic. If you’re a narcissist, the common misconception is that you love you some you. Actually, you dislike yourself immensely. Your inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing you don’t admit—usually even to yourself. Narcissists often attract and it’s very dangerous: They’ll need each other one minute and fight the next over whose needs come first. Narcissism can be healed with courage, time and a commitment to yourself.
2. Mr. Emotionally Unavailable
Description: He doesn’t eagerly show up for you. He is full of excuses and is indecisive. He talks about his past a lot. He’s quick to claim he likes you but he’s not looking for a commited relationship for whatever reasons.
Dating Him Could Mean: You don’t feel deserving. Not feeling worthy typically originates because someone significant failed to stand up for you earlier in life. Someone essential to supporting your life wasn’t there, or was abusive, or was neglectful. As a result, you came away with a deep-down feeling that you are not worthy. To correct this trait, it is important to begin by confronting (and often forgiving) the person who originally failed you.
3. Mr. Needs to Be Fixed
Description: He feels “beneath” you. You consider him a diamond in the rough. The man who stands before you today isn’t great but he sure does have potential. Dating him feels like a project.
Dating Him Could Mean: You’re an over-compensator and you often make excuses for something or for what someone has done. Therefore, you walk into most relationships with extreme patience and a toolkit, ready to fix everything. This trait mostly comes as a result of overcompensating for some error or mistake in your own life. In order to really prove yourself to be someone worth dating is to stop trying to make up for what you either missed out on or something you did in your past that’s done and over with.
4. Mr. Commitment-Phobe
Description: He has a history of short relationships and may never have been married. He has several excuses why he hasn’t met the right woman. He has justified his history by saying he has plenty of time to settle down. One of his favorite lines is “someday.”
Dating Him Could Mean: You’re needy. Being persistently needy, whether it’s emotionally or otherwise, means you’re going to attract men who feel the need to “rescue” a woman (but not necessarily commit to her). Being needy means you thrive on the attention you get from men, no matter how little or infrequent. This is commonly seen in women who had abrupt endings to past relationships. In order to meet a secure man wanting to commit, you have to be a secure woman who upholds her “relationship vitals”.
5. Mr. Parasite
Description: He gets helps, at your expense and assisting him often puts you in harm’s way. Neither you nor the relationship benefit from what he takes from you.
Dating Him Could Mean: You are insecure. Being insecure and having low self-esteem can attract needy and clingy men who use you. It’s important to have your self-esteem in order before you begin dating so that it sends a message to parasitic men that you don’t need them. I’m not asking you get all Omarosa on us fellas but you must assert yourself to show that you’re not a pushover either. Women who are secure with themselves are less likely to attract parasitic men.
6. Mr. Bully
Description: He blames you for things that aren’t your fault. He talks to you like you are a child. He uses an intimidating tone to others when asking for help. He criticizes your character and possibly even your children.
Dating Him Could Mean:You have problems maintaining emotional boundaries. You don’t instinctively know where to draw the lines of emotional responsibility between self and others. You seek to win over others by pleasing them or casting yourself in a favorable light, to your detriment. This boundary issue typically stems from carrying the burden of others’ emotions for which you aren’t responsible. When you become clear about where to take responsibility and where your emotional responsibility ends, you can better manage the boundaries.
7. Mr. Pushover
Description: He will agree with anything you say. He has low self-esteem. He has no sense of self-confidence. He is unable to voice or argue his opinions or desires.
Dating Him Could Mean:You are a controlling woman who tends to appear to have their stuff together. If you’re a controlling woman, you easily attract (or should I say, go after and find) pushover men. These men love you because they identify in you elements of maturity they don’t possess. Unfortunately, most of these guys never evolve and instead permanently take the role of “yes men.” It’s best, if you’re this type of woman, to stay clear of these kind of men and stay with more complementary personalities.
8. Mr. Taken
Description: He’s married, engaged, or in a relationship with another woman. Please note, if he’s married and only separated, it still means he’s married.
Dating Him Could Mean: You have low self-esteem and no self-love. No matter the excuse, if you’re carrying on a “relationship” with someone who is in another relationship, you are exhibiting one of the lowest forms of self-love and self-respect. If you’re “dating” a cheater, you are in fact a cheater yourself and likely to be snide towards the people closest to you. Chances are, your family and friends have voiced concern over whom you’re involved with and as a result, your relationship with them has grown strained. While I don’t believe friends and family are the best relationship experts, if they all are telling you the same thing, listen!
Read this article in Essence
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.