by Ian Fortey
As anyone who’s ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you’re not extremely careful you’re going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body that don’t need to be exfoliated.
Every month magazines like Cosmo, Playboy and Boob Fancy write up some titillating article about places you just have to have sex at least once in your life. All of them seem to operate on the Hollywood idea that having sex while, say, zooming down the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle is well worth the risks involved.
Well, you should at least know the dangers of these fantasy sex locations before you get drunk enough to try it.
Sex on the beach sounds so hot and romantic, doesn’t it? It’s so popular they even named a drink after it. Then again, they also named a drink the Duck Fart. In any event, it’s still a popular motif in film and books, lying out on the sand under the stars while the waves crash behind you and your special friend as you engage in briny coitus.
As anyone who’s ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you’re not extremely careful you’re going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body that don’t need to be exfoliated. And while even places that recommend sex on the beach will point out the sand issue with a little wink and a nudge, they rarely mention the levels of fecal bacteria often found in the sand.
Every summer, beaches around the country get shut down due to high bacteria levels in the water. But recent research by some scientists has shown that sand, awesome filter of filth that it is, can collect big, fatty loads of that bacteria with the ebb and flow of tides.
In fact, they can live a fuller, more robust life in the sand than in the water. If you’re grinding away all nude and lascivious on that sand, chances are some of it is finding its way inside your body. Exposure to these bacteria can lead to fun things like typhoid fever, hepatitis A and dysentery, none of which will make your next sexual encounter particularly exciting.
For those too lazy to get to the beach or too fearful of an incident involving jellyfish and taint, there’s the semi-thrill of sex in a swimming pool. What could be hotter than dipping your naked hide in water infused with chlorine and urine, while a pool noodle bobs obscenely along with your ungainly and hard-to-maintain humping?
Pool sex has the unwholesome side effect of teaching you just how shitty water is as a lubricant while at the same time delighting you with the possibility of forcing water deep into your unmentionable places, leading to infections. According to research by the University of California, Santa Barbara, even a chlorinated pool can have enough bacteria to get forced inside you and lead to yeast infections and urinary tract infections.
The aforementioned issue with lubrication leads to something science types call “micro-tears” but what you’re more apt to call “rips on your junk from lack of lube.” Junk-rips greatly increases the risk for STDs and, more disastrously, pruney zombie wang.
If you’re looking to avoid chlorine with some manner of ocean scuba sex, dive researchers (such as David F. Colvard, M.D) would like you to know that when you have sex underwater you’re probably apt to lose track of some important things like buoyancy, which means you could end up floating to the surface quicker then you’d planned and giving yourself an embolism. Now, we’re not underwater sex doctors, like Dr. Colvard back there, but an embolism is probably a total willy wilter.
The idea getting nasty in a car, or “road head” as mom used to call it when she yelled in the auditorium during our school plays about why she was leaving for a half hour, is a staple of the not-so-exotic fantasy life of many people. Back in the 50s, (from what we’ve gleaned from movies made in the 80s), everyone was taking their girl up to make out point and then impregnating her on some luxurious leather upholstery within arm’s reach of another car where another couple was doing the exact same thing.
As time went on, the parked sex changed to sex while driving, because who doesn’t like more thrills? Probably the numerous people who have been in accidents while having sex in the car. A quick Google search shows stories of accidents in Idaho, Iowa and Romania.
One brilliant couple in Charleston, WV wrecked their car and cleverly tried to pretend like it was no one’s fault and that the woman was driving drunk. Naturally, the cops told her the penalty for that, after which she quickly pointed out that her boyfriend was driving and she was going down on him.
In Connecticut, Heather Specyalski tried to use a blowjob as defense against a manslaughter charge brought against her for causing a car wreck that killed a man. So while the idea of car sex may be kind of hot, when you factor in the intense insanity of being horribly distracted in a fast moving chunk of metal and flammable liquids, it loses a bit of its appeal.
We’ve probably all been duped into going to a club with our friends at some point. You just turned 21, you’re still mildly dazzled by intensely loud music, and there’s an apparent meat market of horribly skanky people you never knew existed in your town, all in one place!
Unremarkable women you see every day at work are suddenly dressed in fabric swatches and will eagerly shake their guns like epileptics shoot-fighting Pokemon in a strobe light store. Who are you to complain? All this gyration and movement can, occasionally, lead to unseemly dance floor desires and the risky amongst us may venture to get a taste of forbidden nightclub nookie.
Big deal, right? You sneak into the bathroom with a sweaty stranger, hop into a stall and go to town. The same stall where a nightclub full of tanked strangers have been visiting all night. You ever tried pissing while totally drunk? How’s your aim? Keep that in mind, because it means every surface in that bathroom is a bacteria risk for things like e.coli, salmonella, shigella and Methicillin-resistant Staph Aureus found on pretty much any surface in a bathroom someone’s hands have touched. You don’t need to know what any of those diseases mean. The bottom line is, you’re boning on top of the urine and poo of hundreds of strangers.
If you’re thinking you’ll slip into the ladies room because it’s cleaner, you should know that while the men’s room may be ankle deep in piss, women’s washrooms tend to have a higher amount of fecal bacteria present, in some cases twice as much. Now, since this isn’t the article to investigate this particular phenomenon, (check out next week to read “7 Reasons Men Are Better Than Women at Pooping”), we’ll just focus on the gross and dangerous parts: Microorganisms are the third leading cause of death behind heart attacks and cancer, so you may not want to rub your juicy parts all over the nightclub bathroom counter after all.
For unknown reasons, some people are down with the idea of sex in the back of a cab. Maybe it’s the feel of that svelte faux leather upholstery that so many other asses have touched, maybe it’s the scent of fake pine and cured meats or maybe it’s the thrill of an unshaved man who also stinks of fake pine and cured meats watching you in the rear view mirror.
Aside from all the hideous and obvious downsides to cab sex, there’s always the chance you’ll end up on some site like taxicams.com. Cabbies have been caught in the past for having hidden cameras in the their cars to film couples in the back and, as so many girls gone wild have learned, what seems like a good idea at the time turns into an epically shitty idea in retrospect when your grandmother calls you after just getting the internet and wants to know why there’s a video of you with your fingers lodged inside another human being in the back of a Yellow Cab.
“Hear that, Babe? We’re gonna be internet stars!”
People having sex at movie theaters is about as old as movie theaters themselves. It’s dark, the floors are sticky, you’re with your best gal. Maybe you’re watching a movie that you find particularly sexy. Whether you’re watching Tomb Raider, Megan Fox doing anything, or Jurassic Park 3, one thing leads to another and suddenly you’re the Mayor of Boner City and you can’t think of a single better idea than porking in the darkened theater.
You may be surprised to learn that not all the stickiness on the floor is the result of spilled Pepsi and the vomit of children who couldn’t handle the latest Pixar masterpiece. Some of it is just good old fashioned human effluence. Bacteria like bacillus cereus have been found in some theaters which is known to cause quick, sexy bouts of diarrhea. And, if you hadn’t stopped to consider it, if you’re humping in a theater there’s a good chance someone else was too and left behind some runny evidence. So while you’re motor boating your lady friend and your hand hits a patch of goo on the arm rest, don’t say we didn’t warn you, Mr. Mayor.
Of course, if filth doesn’t frighten you, the law is on to your little plan as well and has been since the early 1900’s, so you’re not fooling anyone by sitting in the back row.
Should also read: “Or Masturbate.”
When the slightly oily-faced usher gets called in to stop your rutting, he may have the police backing him. Depending on what state you’re in and what you were doing, you may end up facing felony charges, 20 years in prison and some melted Junior Mints in your ass.
Few things are more romantic than packing up for a weekend, heading to the great outdoors, getting a fire going, pitching a tent and then crawling inside with your honey for some awkward, claustrophobic sex on uneven ground while insects watch. We recommend you plan such a trip for your next anniversary in lieu of an actual gift they’ll enjoy.
Unfortunately, while nature enthusiasts may enjoy the freedom of such a exhibitionist act, there’s some cause for alarm if you’re anywhere near, say, bear country.
Though it’s a debated issue, there’s some evidence to suggest the stank you put off while rutting around in your tent like two sausages trying to fit in the same casing smells like a little slice of heaven to Yogi and BooBoo.
A couple were found dead in Glacier National Park back in 1980 after being attacked by a bear and it was speculated that sex is what had attracted the bear in the first place.
Most people tell you to keep food tightly sealed so that bears won’t come after you, but you should keep your legs sealed for the same reason. And let’s be honest, while some sex may be worth being caught by the authorities, you’re hard pressed to present a single case of boning that’s worth a bear attack.
The Mile High Club is the ultimate fantasy for everyone who’s still stuck in the 70s and has a limited imagination. Back then, stewardesses were all tall, hot, skanky and wholly unqualified at their jobs, if porn is any indication. It’s natural then that the allure of sex in a plane has become so ingrained in our deviant fantasies. You’re in an exotic place, high above the earth, close quarters with nothing to do and in public, sorta. It’s all kinds of fun. What could be bad about that?
Legality aside, since you can be arrested for such behavior, there’s also the potential safety risks. Plane-sex is the only item on this list that combines the reckless risks of having sex in a car with the potential diseases of having sex in a nightclub. A twofer!
Also have you ever even seen an airplane bathroom? They’re not famous for their roominess, we’ll tell you. It’s like have sex in a kitchen cabinet, but imagine that there were a bunch of faucets and handles inside your cabinet jabbing you in the ass. The prospect of being jammed in a tiny, ripe coffin-sized-bathroom when you hit a patch of rough turbulence that results in you getting wedged somewhere that, when you really, really think about it, you don’t want to be wedged can’t be entirely alluring either.
If you’re pumped full of Dramamine and don’t mind the smell of brine and seaweed, then maybe sex on the high seas is the sort of fantasy that’s right up your alley. After all, what’s hotter than the cold, seagulls and the potential to drown en masse?
Prioritizing while humping on a boat is something you may want to look into, however. For instance, when the Queen of the North, a ferry that ran along the coast of British Columbia, ran into an island, something that’s generally stationary and easy to navigate around, there were some rumors that the folks in charge may have had their heads down at the wheel. Or, to be less subtle, they were riding each other like show ponies instead of piloting the ship around things like islands.
That explanation was never made official, but citing human error as the reason an experienced crew simply plowed into an island and caused two people to die is probably not going to be very convincing to a lot of people.
On a smaller scale, there’s plenty of evidence (including ghetto video on ebaum’s world) to support the fact that small boats don’t take well to rocking and general hump-like motions and will, in fact, sink your ass if you try such things.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.