by Stanley Azuakola

This week we continue with our column where, in Jon-Stewart-Stephen-Colbert style, our dear Stanley takes you through the news in a way the newsmakers won’t particularly be fond of. Buckle your seatbelts – and your ribs!

‘The Fear of Boko’

A boastful statement made by the Chief of Army Staff, Lt. Gen. Azubuike Ihejirika that the army would soon flush out Boko Haram, has led to the resignation of over 100 officers. When A Pinch of N(u)ews visited the Army Headquarters, the place was deserted, but an agitated officer who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “What was Ihejirika thinking? The last person who boasted like that –the IG –was visited, and it was the unfortunate souls around him that got bombed. You think soldier-man life is not important, bah?”

Meanwhile, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Aminu Tambuwal has formed a 30-member constitution amendment committee. If amended, Section 6/16 of the constitution will read thus: In all the 36 states of the federation and Abuja, the fear of Boko Haram shall be the beginning of safety.

‘God snubs NUEE’

Members of the National Union of Electricity Employees (NUEE) are disappointed at President Jonathan for going ahead to nominate Prof. Barth Nnaji as minister despite their weeklong fasting and prayer. Founder of Intense Revelation Ministries, Apostle Light Neekap, shared insights on why the prayers of the unionists weren’t answered. According to him, “God told me to tell them that ‘I am not a man, neither am I a PHCN switch that you can put on and off when you like. I have warned you before that my people have been in darkness for too long; let my people see.’”

‘Ibori set to launch foundation’

Former Governor of Delta State, Chief James Ibori who is presently facing corruption and money laundering charges in a London court has vowed to establish the J.O, Ibori Foundation. He said the foundation, which will be committed to fighting the cause of prisoners awaiting trial, would be instituted immediately after his future release from jail.

‘New Portfolios for Special Advisers’

President Jonathan has asked the Senate to confirm a whopping 20 nominees as Special Advisers (SAs). Reports monitored from the Pidgin Service of Radio Nigeria, quoted the president as saying, “Fellow Nigerians, advice no be cuss. No be who dey Aso Villa sabi book pass.” A cross section of Nigerians have hailed the thoughtfulness of the president in appointing advisers on key issues like: SA on the fedora hat to wear per day, SA on combating the Nigeria Governors Forum (NGF), SA on honorarium and transport allowances and SA on the implications of the dame’s grammar.

‘Education: No cause for alarm’

Despite the decline in JAMB and WAEC performances, liberal education in Nigerian universities is alive and well. A Pinch of N(u)ews visited some universities and was impressed with the depth and diversity of courses offered. Here are the top picks:

1. How to laff like an Ota Farmer – Covenant University Ota.
2. Mortal Kombat: Police vs. Army (who wins?) – University of Lagos.
3. The Science of good luck – Niger Delta University, Amassoma.
4. So? What if Hon. Obahiagbon was a phoney? – University of Benin.
5. Bomb Making 101 – University of Maiduguri.

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