by Stanley Azuakola

Since Mr Oniwon has apparently lost the ability to feel shame, A Pinch…is ashamed on his behalf

NTA, others, undergo makeover

The Nigerian Television Authority (NTA), humble in the face of facts that it’s usually the last to break the news these days has adopted the slogan, NTA: Better late than never.

Also, the entrance to CBN offices now have billboards which carry a new rider, CBN: Your money is our tool, we use it anyhow we like.

The NNPC now uses, NNPC: the more you look, the less you see.

Individuals are not left out of the sloganeering. The new Bayelsa state governor now has a tag line on all his official letter-heads, Gov. Dickson: My God is bigger than yours.

Most surprisingly, the recently sacked police commissioner Zakari Biu, who was dismissed in the past but found his way back into the force before his latest sack, now signs-off all his correspondences with Zakari Biu: I’ll be back.

More individuals and agencies have vowed to emulate the laudable makeover efforts of these trail blazers.

 

Uniabuja don postulates BAD theory

Why are a record number of Nigerian companies refusing to get registered or providing any verifiable contact address? A University of Abuja don, Prof. Atu Saabi, says it’s because of a new effect called the BAD effect (acronym for Bankole And Diezani effect.) The BAD effect theory states that:

1. It is easier to get billion naira contracts in Nigeria if you are a ghost, without address or registration.

 

1. It is easier to obtain fuel importation license in Nigeria if all your company owns is a briefcase, mobile phone and a dollar account.

 

1. It is easier to win bids for oil blocks if all you sell is jewelry and all you know are pretty government officials than if you have capacity.

 

DOPE cautions President Jonathan

An international group, Defenders of Peace Everywhere (DOPE), has cautioned President Goodluck Jonathan over his use of what they called “violent language” in recent times.

Nigerians do not know what to make of this assertion by DOPE as majority feel the president has been anything but violent. However the international president of DOPE, Mr Krack Hempe, said they’ve followed developments in Nigeria closely and are worried. According to Mr Hempe, “Just last week, President Jonathan threatened to fire cabinet members involved in early politicking for 2015.

Fire them? Does the president now carry fire arms? And since when did early politicking become a capital offence? The other time he threatened to stone a governor. Isn’t such street violence beneath his person? Not to mention how he consistently threatens to fight this or that issue. The president must endeavour to shield the violent aspects of his nature from the public glare.”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

The NNPC is not corrupt; it is a transparent organisation. If that last sentence did not make you flinch and withdraw in shock, check yourself, there is something wrong.

It was hard to even write it with a straight face and a steady pen. Yet that’s the dummy the NNPC Group Managing Director, Mr Austin Oniwon, tried to sell in a baffling defense of the company. Speaking last week in Abuja, Mr Oniwon said, “Corruption in the NNPC is in the imagination of some people…no one in NNPC has ever been charged.”

In whose imagination, really? The audit reports which indicted the NNPC was in whose imagination sir? The ranking of the NNPC last year by Transparency International and Revenue Watch as the least transparent oil company in the world was in whose imagination? Oniwon is right though that no one has ever been charged. That’s something EFCC chairman, Ibrahim Lamorde, should do something about soon.

Since Mr Oniwon has apparently lost the ability to feel shame, A Pinch…is ashamed on his behalf for the sleaze in the NNPC he heads. But we can’t repent for him; not even A Pinch…can repent for clowns. So he takes the CeeCee this week.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.