by Ayokunle Odekunle
I disagreed and still disagree. NOTHING is better than my Amala, Ewedu, Abula and smoked fish. not even the ‘Association for Progressive Corruption’ who are held bent on kicking out ‘People Destructive Party’ from Office in 2015.
One would not be guilty of grandstanding if he says that the year 2013 has being very eventful. Infact, the word eventful might seem to be some kind of understatement and misstatement.
From North to East to West back to the North, there has been series of political events, some of which are stuffs which blockbuster Hollywood movies are made of. Many of which are going to linger even till after we slumber never to awaken.
In this albeit satirical review, I would be reviewing some of the major political events which caused tremors and earthquakes in this country.
[#YNaija2013Review: The 10 most remarkable things that happened in Nigeria’s tech ecosystem]
1. The series of open Letters
Ah. This is a particular script that even Tunde Kelani of Mainframe Productions would not have written with all his expertise.
Act 1, Scene 1: Chief ‘Iberu’ Olusegun Okikiola Matthew Obasanjo wrote a very toxic letter to Dr. ‘Shoeless’, ‘Clueless’ ‘Rudderless’ Goodluck Ebele Azikwe Jonathan. The 18 page letter which is akin to Job’s lamentation in the Holy Bible accused Ebele of many heinous crimes. Okikiola Obasanjo went the extra mile by leaking the letter to the Press. As if on cue, the very jobless, thoughtless, sheepish and impish APC renegade on Twitter jumped on the bandwagon. Olusegun Obasanjo had become their hero, now that they have a common enemy.
Act 1, Scene 2: Okay. It is an open secret that Baba Obasanjo is very handsome. Yeah, from the reverse… take home to ‘Momo’. His very ‘handsome’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘UN-delectable’ daughter wrote Baba a very heartbreaking, heart-wrecking, and heart-wrenching letter where she accused her father of being of wicked schemer. Toh!
Act 1, Scene 3: After having consulted the oracle and gods at Otueke, and after having had several shots of Alomo Bitters, President Jonathan summoned up courage to reply Obasanjo’s epistle.
He ended Obasanjo’s already ended political career.
2. Suntai returns
After wounding himself in his ‘erekere’, Suntai, the Governor of Taraba was virtually forced home after spending months in an hospital abroad. People wondered aloud why someone who was brain dead was put on a flight back home. When he alighted from the plane, it was clear Suntai was unwell. He had the look of someone who was a ‘living dead’. Yet, for some reasons he was forced home.
Did I hear you say a sick man ruling over healthy people.
Errm, can you remind me what Hon. Obahiagbon would describe that? A state of ‘crinkum crankum’, right?
3. Fashola Vs The Igbo Beggars
When someone has stayed too long in your house and you want to chase him, there are diplomatic ways of doing it:
1. Cook for the house and forget to serve his food. He would go to his house.
2. Tell the visitor, “Ah, brother Mufu, you are still here? This time yesterday, we had slept o.” He would flee to his house.
You should sha find diplomatic ways to chase him.
What, however, happens when a ‘Progressive’ governor hounds poor and hapless beggars into ‘Bolekaja’ trucks and ‘herds’ them back home like goats?
Leaves much to be desired.
4. The Rivers State House of Assembly Melee
On a certain day, the devil was jobless and he decided to test his ‘whyning’ skills on some people. After taking a stroll, he sauntered into the Rivers State House of Assembly and the rest is history. Old men started fighting like NURTW members. An Honourable who is ‘Saint Amaechi’s’ main man chased another Honourable member with the State House of Assembly mace and with the dexterity and accuracy of an Ibadan-based Bodija market-trained butcher landed the weapon of mass destruction.
Ol’boy… the inflow or outflow of blood is similar to what is obtainable in ‘Django’.
5. Isiaka builds a ‘Gada’
Oyo governor, Isiaka Abiola Ajimobi built a ‘bridge’ and invited the whole country to witness it. He even shut down the activities of Ibadan for that. Someone whispered to me that if that is how Governor Fashola or Chime blow the roof-tops over ‘normal’ projects, then Lagos and Enugu States will be ‘shutdown’ on a steady.
And by the way, the bridge is a ‘one lane’ road . The Bridge is so mighty that trailers cannot drive past them. And guess what, the bridge which is 800 meters cost a ‘paltry’ N3billion. Gbam!
6. Unto us a baby is born – APC!
My happiest day ever! The ‘Another Problem Coming’ party was finally registered and we would not hear word anymore. Twitter agents taunted saying the APC is the greatest thing that has ever happened since sliced bread. Even better than Amala, ewedu and abula.
I disagreed and still disagree. NOTHING is better than my Amala, Ewedu, Abula and smoked fish. Not even the ‘Association for Progressive Corruption’ who are hell bent on kicking out ‘People Destructive Party’ from office in 2015.
7. AMAECHI VS GEJ & PEJ and Ors (2013) 9 NWLR PART 666
This has to be one of the ‘craziest’ political events all year.
Rotimi Amaechi saw, is seeing and will keep seeing the President and his wife as major ‘wahalas’. And he spares them not. Neither do they spare him. And what do we have? Rofo-rofo fighting of the highest apogee.
Expect more in 2014.
8. The Domittila ‘G-7’ Governors
These governors walked out on the PDP convention and decided to form a parallel PDP. The Courts said NO! There is just one PDP; any other one is a counterfeit. They had countless meetings with Mr. President to solve this nagging impasse. Whenever they were close to having an agreement, the devil will just find his way into Aso Rock to whisper into GEJ’s big earlobes “Don’t you see Governor Babangida Aliyu looks like a Hippopotamus? And can’t you see Amaechi’s face looms like that of that Yoruba actor called Broken Bottle”. And pronto, GEJ would tell them ‘NO AGREEMENT TODAY’.
Five of those Governors with their House of Reps members have defected to the APC. Two of the governors, Sule Lamido and Babangida Aliyu are however dancing “One leg in, one leg out”. They do not know where they belong.
Toh!
9. Anambra Elections
You all know this song by Durella ‘Enu Ose, Enu Ose Durella’?
Okay.
The APC, prior to this election had made mouth that they would win the elections not even by a landlside but by a moonslide. The devil was however their campaign manager. He led them to hold their campaign rally on a day the Obi of Onitsha was having his Ofalla Festival. Odikwa very serious!
Another wahala? Fashola had recently deported the Igbos from the land of the ‘Ofemmanus’. The Igbos decided to exact their revenge. They wondered aloud “Why would Awolowo’s people who killed us during the Civil war want to rule us? Tufiakwa”.
The rest is history. With all their big and loud mouths, the APC came third. And Ngige wept!
10. Stella Oduah and her travails
How was I going to forget this thingy that ruled our airwaves for months?
Stella Oduah was accused of corruption, misappropriation and what have you. She was accused of getting bullet-proof cars to protect her from those Agidi sellers form her village.
President Jonathan set up a committee to probe her. The committee was given three weeks to work and the three weeks has elapsed. People are aggrieved. Why?
The answer is this: Three weeks is not complete yet. The calender in Aso Rock differs from that which we ordinary Nigerians use. A week on our calendar is akin to one year on the ‘Aso Rock Calendar’.
You dig?
Worthy mention to Governor’s Oshiomhole’s ‘Go and Die Saga’. For you widows in Edo State, pray that as you enter this new year, you encounter the diminutive governor who will invite death to ‘take you away’ and later offer you N2 million.
See yah next year!
– This is a work of satire.
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Ayokunle Odekunle is an Associate in one of Nigeria’s leading Commercial Law firms and he tweets from @Oddy4real.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
Great compilation..but no mention of ASUU strike? or isn’t it political?
Hahahahhahahahahhaaa can,t stop lafing…..may God give you the wisdom to continually wax stronger in 2014.
Oddy…Perfecto!a masterpiece from one of the masters..see ya next year