11 things men think happens in a beauty pageant

by Frank Kobola

 

black-woman-happy

 

The remaining contestants are asked what they would do if they could change the world, because there’s a direct correlation to pulling off a freakum dress and humanitarian efforts. Their answers are always something lofty and ambitious because there’s no stipulations put on the question.

 

I have never watched a beauty pageant in full. My rudimentary understanding of these events is cobbled together from viral clips, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Little Miss Sunshine. Contextually, I do not really understand what goes on, but if someone put a gun to my head and asked me to explain beauty pageants, I would first ask them why they’re trying to learn about beauty pageants in such an aggressive manner, and then I would probably explain it thusly.

1. There’s an introductory parade.

They all come down the stairs and wave to everyone. They all have nametags or numbers on them so the judges can keep track. I don’t know if they’re rated officially at this point, but if one of them falls or something, you better believe the judges are going to take notice. I think if someone screws up walking they should probably just be disqualified, but maybe that’s just me.

2. They all line up in their prom dresses.

They all throw on tasteful dresses and line up, and the judges ogle them or whatever, and give them ratings. I don’t know what the criteria are, but the judges are always really old. I don’t know if they rate these women on general beauty, whether they’d have sex with them, how well they wear a dress, or if they would be proud of them if they were their granddaughters. Whatever it is, it’s a 10-point scale, right? If you’re below a seven, the announcer (probably Ryan Seacrest) makes you leave in front of everyone and your real grandparents are probably disappointed.

3. They talk about how they would change the world.

The remaining contestants are asked what they would do if they could change the world, because there’s a direct correlation to pulling off a freakum dress and humanitarian efforts. Their answers are always something lofty and ambitious because there’s no stipulations put on the question. Of course you would end world hunger if you were granted the power of a god who had great legs and perfect teeth. Just once, I want someone to say they would bring back 3D Jalapeño Cheddar Doritos.

4. There’s a bikini contest.

The same thing as the prom dresses happens except with bikinis. More women are sent off stage, doomed to a life of attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies at local restaurants.

5. The judges get to ask them questions.

Maybe there are, like, 30 left now and the judges get to throw curveballs at them. Maybe they ask them about their jobs? Is being a pageant lady a job? I honestly don’t know what I would ask if I were a judge. Maybe just, “What’s your deal?”

6. There’s a talent show.

Maybe talent show isn’t the right phrase — it reminds me of a grade-school talent show. But the remaining contestants come on stage and show off their talents. Their talents are always dumb (see No. 7). If they weren’t, these women would be doing something else. Maybe they should change the talent portion to “thing I can do that is slightly above average.”

7. Someone spins plates.

Someone always spins plates. You will also see one contestant from the South bust out a lasso. Everyone else sings. If you can spin plates while singing, you’ve pretty much won already.

8. So now they’ve narrowed things down to three contestants.

The judges pick the three women they like leering at the best. I mean, through a complex algorithm that factors in dresses, bikinis, how long you can ramble on about changing the world, and if you still can perform whatever it was you did at your fifth-grade talent show, they choose three finalists. As a side note, I think “Beauty Pageant Judge” is one of the few professions where it’s OK to come to work really hammered.

9. They’re asked what they would do with a million dollars.

The last three contestants basically name their favorite charities or talk about how they’d go build a school somewhere. They talk about how sad “bad things” make them, to demonstrate to the judges they’re not feral sociopaths.

10. The judges choose one person that’s their favorite.

OK, the more I’m thinking about it, this just has to be arbitrary, right? There’s no way there’s a system in place like in figure skating. Who are these judges, even? I just Googled “Beauty Pageant Judge” and the whole thing seems really arbitrary. So some rando group of people crowns a girl Miss USA because they think she’s nice or whatever?

11. The winner goes and does … something.

There’s prize money involved? I’m sure there’s some kind of trophy. There’s always a trophy. And then maybe she goes and does volunteer work for a year. Do they pay her to do that … like, there’s a Miss USA Organization and she goes around the world and tries to fix all the things she said she was going to fix when they asked her the Important questions. And then she doesn’t, and they inevitably have to find another Miss USA next year. But one day, a champion will finally end world hunger within a year, and then we can call the whole thing off.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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