by Anna Breslaw
3. Time to apply lotion to my scales. Until my skin has the consistency of a newborn baby seal.
4. Okay, we’re kissing, we need to kiss for awhile for me to be into this. I hope he’s aware of that.
5. One of us needs to turn the lights off. And in the hallowed words of *NSYNC, “It’s gonna be me.”
6. He has a boner already! I can feel it! They’re like aliens. I’m glad it’s not one of those mushroom chode penises you have to spend like 30 minutes coaxing out of its shell.
7. It can’t possibly be this hard to unhook a bra. Should I just do it myself already? Maybe I’ll just help him a litttle like thiiiiiss… OK good he got it.
8. It’s weird that guys like boobs so much. I feel like this is a weird mom-related thing with guys but I’ll just let him do his thing with my boobs or whatever.
9. Okay good, he’s finally taking my pants off. Wow, these are such intense skinny jeans that he had to pull them inside out. Should I be embarrassed of the fabric marks on my thighs? Nah.
10. Nope, not there. Nope, not there. Nope, not there. Okay, wait, I’m going to use your hand as a puppet. There we go. Now we’re cooking with gas.
11. Uh, NOT READY YET, thank you. I hope you don’t think that was it for the foreplay portion of the program. I’ll let you know.
12. Okay, where’s the condom?