Growing up, I was that wimpy kid who never had the courage to talk to girls and in a world of testosterone, lies of ‘knacking’ girls and foul armpit odour — wimpy means I was also short which basically translates to my face ending where all the other boys armpits shoulders began—this left me with a severe case of Catch Up Syndrome.
So, the moment I got me my own pair of outstretched legs, a gruff voice, misplaced hair growth and the ability to scratch ones groin whilst thinking no one can see you but being terribly wrong, I sought out my own girlfriend and what I got was a Calabar girl – this is the story of my experience with one and why it didn’t quite work out for me.
– First reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl? They’re mostly short! If you’ve had any experience with short people you’ll attest to this: they are always angry! It comes from that feeling of always being pushed around and the over compensating nature to stopping this. Now, before you call this an unfair generalisation, remember, I used to be short so I have first-hand knowledge of this inherent rage also my ex-girlfriend is Calabar, so I know what it is I speak of.
– The diatribe hasn’t ended, and if you’re someone who’s suffered as much as I, you’d continue too: Afang soup! Most people will tell you a reason why you SHOULD date a Calabar girl is for this wonderful vegetable soup but I’ll tell you this story – Once, my ex made me this “wonder” soup before an important meeting and I spent the entirety of the meeting dropping green fart bombs. If it weren’t for the sheer stroke of luck that the clients were Pakistani and rather than take offence, saw it as a competition and fired me back with their garlic bread bombs, I’d have lost out on the project.
– People never take this into account but it’s an extremely vital point: baby names! Dating will lead to sex—will get to that in a bit—and sex, if done wrong, almost always leads to kids and when that happens, you’re left to deal with the unfortunate task of having to name the kid. Have you heard Calabar names? Imagine bringing a kid into this malevolent world then punishing the kid by giving it a Calabar name? Wickedness! Why should a child have ‘bong’ in its name? Just why?
– If you date a Calabar girl, just be ready to join Club 404 and also be prepared to be snarled, chased and hated by every dog you come across. Which I can tell you now is a very bad thing. They don’t call them, Man’s Best Friend for nothing. How does anyone get to the point of eating their best friend? That’s what Calabar girls do to you, which is one of my strongest arguments as to why you shouldn’t date one.
– Sex! Yes, sex! Sex is a major reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl. Ask anyone about a Calabar girl, the first thing they’ll tell you is: ‘Dem sabi do the thing well’. Look, too much of anything is never good for you. You take 2 tablets of Paracetamol if you have a headache and it cures your ache but go take 20 and you’ll never have to worry about headaches again… you’ll be dead. Which is what sex is to Calabar girl: 50 Paracetamol tablets all coming inside you at one. That’s a terrible attempt at a pun but that’s what Calabar girls do to you.
– I don’t know how else to say this, Calabar girls are strong! I once tried arguing with my ex and the experience left me scarred, literally! Now, because of said scar I can’t wear short-sleeved shirts. At a pool party – I’m that guy wearing a long sleeve. At the gym – I’m the guy wearing long sleeves Having sex? You guessed it… I’m the one wearing long sleeves. I repeat – don’t date Calabar girls!
– You know another reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl? They’re stubborn. I’ll explain it to you so. I’ve been telling my ex-girlfriend, Enobong that she and I are over, I mean after a certain ‘brushing’ she gave me, I said to myself, this relationship is unhealthy and I needed out, but nope, she ain’t taking no for an answer. In fact, she’s knocking at my door as I write this piece. Somebody please save me from this Calabar girl!
– Calabar girls are free to defend themselves in the comments section.
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Faisal Adamu is a strategist, free thinker, constantly in a state of perturbedness, aspiring satirist and he’s profoundly ignorant. he tweets from @notfaizzy
foolish article
Comment:please calabar girl’s are not like that I am a calabar girl if u say any thing about them I will break ur head
anyway am dating one nw and i so much loved her
Lol! Your reply to comments are more fascinating than the article.
Is it true calabar girls are trained from a very young age how to be outstanding in bed? Pl
Just a correction: Sex if done right leads to babies. 🙂
that’s another angle…
Faisal, would be so kind as to explain to us where you got the impetus to correct someone?
The dictionary is an amazing book
This is a terribly ‘racist’ article and am grateful nobody but me read it.
Hi, Benjamin! i’m sorry you feel so, most who’ve read understood that the post is satirical and appreciated the humour! I understood humour is relative but maybe read from that vantage. Also, it’s ‘i am’ not ‘am’ and over 4000 people have read it. Thanks!
i dated one during my service year.. it was a very interesting experience. my sex game picked up greatly cos of her
Sunny u r d man dat dere story is not ur concern like wise me…am looking for matured girl just hit me in this number 08022543669…
Am looking for a calabar girl to hang out with, me I love sex like food, so if you’re a calabar girl living in abuja hit me on 08129998782 let’s roll
i`ll prefer to date one first, besides I think its the management of the calabar girl that matters not the person with the title. A stereotype or one time experience shouldn’t discourage you. I have my eyes on two sef and i will definitely use this writeup as a guideline, who knows it might just end up well. Nice Piece Faisal and I must say Gbam! Can’t wait to read more from you
Reply
i`ll prefer to date one first, besides I think its the management of the calabar girl that matters not the person with the title. A stereotype or one time experience shouldn’t discourage you. I have my eyes on two sef and i will definitely use this writeup as a guideline, who knows it might just end up well. Nice Piece Faisal and I must say Gbam! Can’t wait to read more from you
If this is a joke, then I found it very funny. But if it’s not, then you should know that your generalization is wrong. You can’t base your opinion of an entire tribe on an experience with just one person. Excellent writing anyway. Loved it.
Hi! It was a play at satire. Thank you! I love all people equally, except green people, I love them slightly more than how much I love others. Are you one of the green people?
Calabar girls are very romantic and sweet