Aderonke Adebanjo: Guys, don’t lead a girl on!

by Aderonke Adebanjo

Men, men, men, how many times did I call your “name”? Lol. Listen up and listen good!

This is not about leadership or the leading man in a major production. This is about the man who keeps leading women on! Yup. We have all agreed that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? Right. So, let me let you in on something that many of you appear to be clueless about. It has probably caused you a lot of trouble and left you confused so let me shed some light for you. You can thank me later 🙂

Here’s how it usually plays out: You meet a girl. You like her. She’s friendly, you guys get along well. You enjoy each other’s company. You guys hang out a lot or occasionally, whichever. You go out of your way to help her – in fact you would bend over whenever necessary to make sure she is ok. She likes you too. She thinks you’re an amazing guy. Depending on the duration of your “relationship” some of your friends even think you guys are an item. But you’re not.

In fact, when people tease you about it, you INSIST that she is just your friend. Here’s the issue though, she thinks otherwise. She actually likes you enough to date you. She’s attracted to you not just physically but emotionally as well. She has really grown to like you because you are there and you do all the right things.

The thing is men and women process information differently. In your mind, she is just a friend you like. In her mind, you are building your case for that day when you will finally ask her out. And before you think women are crazy for thinking this way, consider it carefully: If you’re not interested in her like THAT then why are you being so nice, so present, so THERE??? It’s confusing for women.

A woman’s mind and I guess heart tell her that the reason you are SO present is because you care about her in a special way – more than you care about other girls. Sadly, the thing is when the guy realizes she has feelings for him, he jets, and leaves her hanging!

Stop it! Don’t do it. Guys, if you’re not interested in a girl like THAT, then don’t be there like THAT! Create boundaries. Be absent sometimes. Especially when you start to sense that she really likes you. For lack of a better way to say it, back off. Don’t pretend like you don’t know she likes you. If you’re not sure if she likes you and you have enough of a rapport, talk about but don’t keep being there only to “break” her heart later. Capiche?

I’m not trying to blame you because in all fairness, you are probably just a nice guy who cares about his friends so you can’t understand why she’s thinking that way. Well, women are from Venus. Always remember that. 🙂

So, don’t be a leading man. Don’t lead her on only to leave her hanging. It’s not fair. Like I said, I don’t entirely blame you because some of you are actually sincerely clueless. But that’s why I’ve explained so you can quit it.

What do y’all think? Guys, do you think some women really over analyze and read a little too much meaning into your kind gestures? Do you have any extreme cases to share?

Ladies, please share your thoughts as well.

 

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About the author: Aderonke is a radio and television broadcaster, singer, songwriter, poet, lover of LOVE a.k.a. hopeful romantic(!), and daughter of God. She enjoys good conversation and has a great laugh. You can catch her on Smooth 98.1FM and on Twitter @aderonkehiica. For more on her views on relationships, read her blog The Love Chest.

 

Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

 

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Comments (9)

  1. It always happens both ways. I can confirm that men are usually victims of that episode. Imagine you came across a girl and exchanged numbers with her after a brief introduction. Later, she called you on several occasions for help and you were always there for her. The man hoped that he was doing all that to create a relationship with her. One day the man asked her out and the lady gave him a cold shoulder. The lady was opinion that the man was a father Christmas with all those gifts and helps. The message is always clear enough, if you do not fancy someone or ready to go out with him, do not take any gift from him.

  2. It always happens both ways. I can confirm that men are usually victims of that episode. Imagine you came across a girl and exchanged numbers with her after a brief introduction. Later, she called the man on several occasions for help and he was always there for her both in kind and in coins. The man hoped that he was doing all that to create a relationship with her. One day the man asked her out and the lady gave him a cold shoulder. The lady was opinion that the man was a father Christmas with all those gifts and helps. The message is always clear enough, if you do not fancy someone or ready to go out with him, do not take any gift from him.

  3. Thanks for sharing your comments guys! Yeah, women do it too and I think I might write "The Leading Lady" post 🙂 Cheers!

  4. Since we all agree it works both ways, I think there's little we can do about it… The best thing is to never assume what is not said… yet! And never believe someone means otherwise when they do suggest that the friendship has its limits… Buh real life tells me it's quite difficult tho… So I wish everyone in that state all tha best.lol

    Great piece Ronke

  5. Nice piece and very correct but it happens both ways not just the leading guy also the leading lady.Some ladies are plain hearted, friendly, nice, you know the godly kind of lady but the guy perceives otherwise. So ladies should lay low too because guys have emotions too.

  6. Yeah it works both ways but this defo makes sense. It wld also help for a girl to guard her heart and not build castles in d air b4 d guy even says anytin

  7. Pingback: Aderonke Adebanjo: Guys, don’t lead a girl on! | Chizony

  8. Im guessing its fine to say it works both ways cos sometimes the guy interpretes it message the way the girl doesnt wnt him to and then leaves him hanging in the end…

  9. It works the other way round for me. I become friends with a guy and he gets physically and emotionally attached and thinks I want to date him.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail