by Stanley Azuakola

 

Government must first prove that the combined IQ of the entire executive arm is more than 22 as is obtainable in other countries.

Nigerians Agree To Support N2.2b Banquet Hall

AFTER their initial outrage, Nigerians have finally decided to support the federal government’s decision to build a N2.2 billion banquet hall at the villa. This followed the explanation by the government that other “smaller countries” had more befitting banquet halls than Nigeria and since Nigeria had more reasons to party and hold banquets, we deserved another banquet hall. However, Nigerians are tying their support for the project to certain conditions. They said that since we are building to emulate other countries, it shouldn’t stop there. Government must first prove that the combined IQ of the entire executive arm is more than 22 as is obtainable in other countries. The executive must also prove before building the hall, that they have common sense as small as a mustard seed just like leaders of other smaller countries. Finally, since a 150-seat hall is estimated to cost N2.2 billion, government must be able to defend it and prove that each of the 150 pairs of asses that would be attending the banquets are worth N14.67 million (N2.2 billion divided by 150 ass pairs).

Unity School Lands In Trouble

THE ministry of education is currently investigating the management of a particular unity school (name withheld), which asked students some “inappropriate” social studies questions during their just concluded first term examinations. The minister of state for education, Nyesom Wike, who addressed the press over the incident, read out some of the problematic questions. According to him, “how can a secondary school ask these kinds of questions?

1. Now that Chris Okotie’s FRESH party has been deregistered, which platform would he use to launch his usual campaigns?

A) Start afresh party. B) Refresh party

2. Which group of Nigerians are the most likely to fall sick at any given time?

A) Big men about to be prosecuted by the EFCC like Wale Babalakin. B) Big men who have fallen out of favour with the president and about to be persecuted like Wale Babalakin.

3. Which is the only country in the world whose leaders promised to provide 9000MW of power by end of 2012, and when the time came and they could not meet that, they changed their mind and promised 6000MW by the end of 2013?

A) Nigeria. B) Federal Republic of Nigeria.

GEJ is not GAY

“It is the work of mischief people. My husband is a real man.” That is how Nigeria’s first lady, Patience Jonathan reacted to the rumours last week that her husband, President Goodluck Jonathan, is gay. The rumour began with a statement made by Doyin Okupe, an aide to the president, who was trying to explain the relationship between the president and ex-convicts like Bode George and Diepreye Alamieyeseigha. Okupe agreed that the president associated with the ex-criminals but said the relationship was not intimate.

“Yes they are close, but have you seen Bode George or any of these people and the president kissing or eating from same plate? The president only kisses and eats from the same plate with non-convicts, after all it is his right as the husband of the nation,” said Okupe. Some media houses immediately latched on to that statement and began to imply the unthinkable. God forbid! Thankfully, the first lady, who has been out of the spotlight recently, has come out strongly to defend her man.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Nigeria has gone to the dogs, it’s heartbreaking. Did you see those figures that were being bandied about last week? N2.2 billion for another Aso Rock banquet hall, N2 billion for the vice president’s mansion out of the FCT’s N50 billion budget (the mansion is expected to gulp a whopping N9 billion), N3.3 billion for foreign travels by the president, and so on. Pause. Look at those figures again: did you realise they are all in billions? This is the point where A Pinch. should launch into a rant and criticise the sheer insensitivity and debauchery, but not this time. The president and some of his close aides love quoting scriptures a lot. So today, A Pinch. would leave them with one. It’s in the Bible book of Isaiah: “.the whole head is sick, so the whole heart faints. there is no soundness in it, but wounds, and bruises, and putrefying sores: they have not been closed, neither bandaged, neither soothed with ointment. Your country is desolate.”

Aso Rock, does this describe you? Does this describe what you’re doing to Nigeria? Or are you too engulfed in the floods of your clownishness to see?

 

Follow A Pinch. on twitter @stanleyazuakola

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.