by Paul Carrick Branson
Online dating is like being at the world’s best and worst singles party at the same time.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Online dating is like being at the world’s best and worst singles party at the same time. Through years of coaching and managing accounts for clients, I’ve seen just about everything. (Trust me!) After a recent post on my blog about a man who, err, “overshared,” I thought I would share 10 of the funniest (or saddest, depending how you look at it) online dating messages I’ve ever seen on my computer screen.
1. I’m Really Not Crazy (No, Really!)
“This is gonna sound totally crazy, but…can I please let you see me naked? I promise I’m not asking for sex, I just need the opinion of someone that seems so down to earth and cool like you.”
2. I’m a Toe Man
“Hey goddess. You are so fine I would suck on your pretty toes and lick the bottom of your feet until they are clean. Would you let me do this for you? Pretty please, goddess? What color are your toes painted today, goddess? You should send a picture of your goddess feet to my phone.”
3. How Hungry Am I?
“I know you probably don’t understand a word I’m sayin’, but I gotta tell you…you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’d like to strip you down and butter you like a slice of Wonder Bread, and shave your armpits, and pour honey all over your naked body. And for the next two weeks pretend I was a hungry bear.”
4. What I Wouldn’t Do For You
“I would climb over the Grand Canyon, one-armed and blindfolded, on a set of rusty monkey bars, covered in hornets whilst bearing a 12-pound bag of marbles tied to my genitals, if it meant that once reaching the other side I could put my name in a hat with 1 million other names just for a chance to see your beautifully symmetric elbows in real life.”
5. I’m a Virgin (I Swear!)
“The reason for this message is because that it is real important to me to find a match because I never had a girlfriend before and actually I’m still a virgin. Not by choice… it’s because of the circumstances. I mean, because I never had a special one for me. I’m not a crying baby, I’m here because I think God is using this site for me to
6. Kill ‘Em With Kindess
“Deal breakers? Visible Tattoos. Whenever I see a tattoo on a woman, I don’t see the actual tattoo. In its place, I see a tattoo that reads ‘I hate my daddy today.’ Tattoos are for male military service personnel, and women who want to be remorseful for the rest of their lives.”
7. Always Lead With a Strong Opener
“So I have a question for you…how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. lol Cheesy I know. But at least you’re smiling.”
8. King Kong Ain’t Got Nothing On Me
“I am your commanding officer. I order you to call me now. You WILL be my girlfriend. Don’t make me use my smell-a-meter to sniff you down. What I am trying to say is don’t reject me for all the wrong reasons. Try me like Alice In Wonderland. Whoop! Whoop!”
9. How Old Am I Again?
“Hi. What’s your name? What do you think of this website. It’s pretty cool, right? I’m new here. I read your profile and I’m interested in getting to know you more. I am attracted to older women for many reasons. I am very mature for my age. Would you like to go to the movies with me?”
10. Looks Aren’t Everything
“Feels a bit weird to do this, I am an old-fashioned guy. Just stumbled across your profile, I am dazzled by you. I might look weird when you see me, but get to know me. I am a single man and an engineer. Am I actually trespassing or would you like to learn more about each other?”
Read this article in Essence
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.