by Stanley Azuakola
The Alamieyeseigha pardon is a blight on the Jonathan presidency, a stain that no amount of bleaching can fix. President Jonathan is an unpardonable clown and takes the CeeCee this week.
GEJ touts his Jobs record to Pope Francis
The federal government of Nigeria has sent a message of congratulations to the new pope of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis. In the message personally signed by President Goodluck Jonathan, the government used the opportunity to prove that it was operating based on sound biblical principles.
President Jonathan said:
“Recently, my government announced that in 2012, we created 195, 534 Jobs, but the bias Nigerian media reported that we created 195, 534 jobs. You see, there is a difference between Jobs and jobs. What business do we have creating jobs? Is that scriptural? Our official policy is to create lots of Jobs, like the long-suffering Job in the Bible; not jobs and definitely not Steve Jobs. We are trying to drive Nigerians to a place where they lose everything so that they can trust and rely totally on God, no matter how much the few who are eating the money laugh at them like Job’s friends.
“This is just to tell you, dear Pope, that we are a god-fearing government. With the way things are going, we are on track this year to double the number of Jobs from that of 2013. They say you are a pope who loves and cares for the absolute poor in society; if that’s true, rejoice and be glad for we are providing a large flock for you in Nigeria.”
Oil wells can’t fit into my cap, Lawan assures Nigerians
Hon. Farouk Lawan, the embattled member of the House of Representatives, rediscovered his tiny voice last week. Since news of his cap-feat came into the open, Lawan has hidden from the spotlight. But following claims by Sen. Ita Enang, that 83% of oil blocks in the country are owned by Northerners, Lawan came out promptly to counter. He took offence that Enang would insinuate that “my people, the Northerners have so many oil wells, when a whole me despite all the bribes I collect from people like Otedola to expose them of course, do not have even one? Impossible!”
He called on the House to set up an ad-hoc committee to probe the distribution of oil wells among Northern oligarchs in Nigeria and make him the chairman. He said Nigerians have nothing to fear as he has learnt his lessons, besides, “oil wells cannot fit into my cap.”
“I and Alams are like Siamese twins,” says President Jonathan
President Jonathan has described as ‘painful’, the fact that Nigerians are protesting the presidential pardon he gave to himself, even though officially it was the name of his former boss, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha that was written. According to a source at the villa, the president told a close confidante that what people fail to realise is that granting Alams a pardon is like pardoning himself because “I and Alams are like Siamese twins conjoined at the hips. Unfortunately for me, he has fatter hips, that’s why he can easily do inter-continental gender swap but I can’t. Do you know what he knows about me and my time in Bayelsa? If he whines those hips and opens his mouth, it will crush me, so when he said he wanted pardon, I honestly had no choice.”
Meanwhile President Jonathan is considering amending the constitution to give himself powers to grant himself perpetual pardon for anything he has committed, is committing and will commit as president. To achieve this, he has employed as consultant, the judge who granted a perpetual injunction to former Rivers governor, Peter Odili, shielding him from arrest and prosecution.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
A few things became as clear as day last week.
The first is that Goodluck Jonathan has neither the will nor the measure of a man willing to fight corruption in Nigeria. We will receive no pardon from God and conscience if we fail to speak the truth that: A leader who places an official seal of approval on corruption – like Jonathan did by granting a presidential pardon to Diepreye Alamieyeseigha – cannot possibly provide infrastructure or fix power or possess the moral force needed to inspire a nation. Jonathan has no sense of history, no self-awareness of his role in the Nigerian collage, and no foresight beyond what he sees in front of his nose.
One other thing which became clear is that there is no depth which men like Doyin Okupe, Tony Uranta and Reuben Abati cannot sink to; no mire so unclean that they cannot bathe in; and no injustice so grave that they cannot defend. Okupe likened the Alams pardon to that of Awolowo and Ojukwu, Uranta perversely asked if Alamieyeseigha should not be pardoned because he is a minority, and Abati in a remarkable about-face, described criticisms of the pardon as “sophisticated ignorance”. Shame!
But the ultimate shame belongs to the president. We can ignore perennial hacks like Okupe and Uranta, but of all men, Goodluck Jonathan is inexcusable. Why does he spite Nigerians so? Majority of Nigerians believed in him, placed their trust that he was different, and what does he give in return: a spit on their sensibilities. The Alamieyeseigha pardon is a blight on the Jonathan presidency, a stain that no amount of bleaching can fix. President Jonathan is an unpardonable clown and takes the CeeCee this week.
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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.