by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

Imagine what more I could mistakenly wear out and if I got caught, I would simply say it was unintentional and then pay for it. But you know me Ifeanyi, I never get caught.

I have a series of uniquely diverse friends – they spice up my life, and I theirs. There are the ones who are so optimistic; they have read it’s a good day for Pisces even though they are Scorpio. There are the ones who look like they are missing a chromosome and act accordingly. There are the go-getters and the ones with that sort of can-do attitude. You know, those annoying ones with a tall libido for life. And there are my favourite ones, the ones who thrive on finger-on-pulse kind of excitement. They travel round the globe, deftly pulling off perilous stunts for the heck of it. They are might men of valour disguised in unsuspecting exteriors. Like my good friend, Remi who called me earlier today.

Hello Ifeanyi

Hey Remi, what’s up?

You will not believe the week I’ve had – explosive – I tell you.

What happened?

I was shopping on Oxford Street the other day when I mistakenly wore a pair of glasses out of the store without paying for it.

Ehen?

I only noticed when I got home.

So? Did you get caught?

No but it instantly opened my eyes to the countless possibilities.

Hehe! You are a joker.

Imagine what more I could mistakenly wear out and if I got caught, I would simply say it was unintentional and then pay for it. But you know me Ifeanyi, I never get caught.

Yes Remi, I know you.

When I got home, I told Jon. Remember my best friend Jon?

Yes.

Well, I told him what happened and seeing as he lives in London, I asked him if the police would come after me. ‘No silly’ he said ‘How would they know where you live’?

Mscheww! Are you a dunce?

Shut-up man. The following day, Jon and I went shopping rid of intentions to shoplift. But as the devil would have it, it was suddenly hard to resist.

Are you f**king kidding?

Nope. We would take the accessories to the dressing room where there are no cameras, take off the tags, wear some out and bag the rest. Hold on one second.

Sure.

Okay as I was saying. Two stores and two paper bags later, we escalated to clothes. We were taking tags off clothes like no man’s business, and confidently too.  We would compare and contrast what we had just stolen, discuss it with the same audacity as someone who actually intended to pay. We called people to see if they wanted anything and they wondered why we were being so generous.

And you did not call me. Nice.

Because I already got you stuff. I tell you, I was high. We should do this when we visit this winter. I was high on shoplifting and I couldn’t stop. I was high on the uncertainty of how the next minute would play out. Could I get caught? Would I get caught? Would it be dramatic if I got caught? My adrenalin must have been exhausted, I squandered it on impulse and I had impaired speech. I felt too good. I was so high – I developed a fever.

No you weren’t high. You have never been high and please tell me you got caught.

You are the devil’s spun. So, Jon asked me on our way home ‘wine or vodka’?

‘Huh’?

‘Wine or Vodka, we need to celebrate’ he said with utmost excitement that bothered on restlessness, like how I imagine hustlers are after a successful hit.

Hehe! Way too much TV

I know right?! The next day even, I returned two oversized pants I had lifted and exchanged them for better fitted ones. Now we were audacious. It’s true what they say about power – it gets to the head (like cocaine). Suddenly, you feel invincible (also, like cocaine).

Cocaine? Really? Are you still high?

No now, you know what I mean. Today, we were throwing clothes in the air like Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah in Mad Money when a knock on the door interrupted. Imagine us scrambling, hiding things like Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah in Mad Money.

Hehe! You are a pure joker. Mad Money, really? Go on…

It was a policeman at the door. Apparently, I had written my real address on the ‘exchange & returns’ form.

No way. Be serious.

I am, and since I insisted in my statement that it was unintentional and I intend to pay all £ 1012, I’m at the first store now, about to pay. One second, lemmie call you back.

These are the sort of friends I plan to end the world with you see.