Today, the devil had unprepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He set my panic in motion. I dismembered my lines of course and I wish that was the bane of my existence but then I decided in a moment of weakness to make small talk after the audition because I knew I had to do something more memorable than this disaster.

 

There are three cardinal reasons why actors in Nigeria rebuke auditions.

-They are not quite sure that the casting directors will be fair anyway.

-They do not want their auditions to be exhibited on Television screens for the enjoyment of 9-5ers looking to stumble upon a good laugh.

-They especially do not want their auditions to be exhibited on Television after their friends, family and perhaps fans are aware that they did not get the part.

This is why when the biggest audition of 2014 came to town, actors were reluctant to attend. They insisted that when push came to shove, the company would air the auditions and they made actors sign release forms that gave them the right to. I have never been worried about the ongoing concerns however. While I saw them as good reason, I thought my auditions were usually charming and if for any reason, they aired, there’d be no cause for alarm. My only worry was that the audition date coincided with the day I had a school presentation – a presentation so acutely consequential that if I – God forbid – failed, I would be the talk of medical school and if need be, law school and eventually, the entire school. I knew again, I had to string together a lie about some organ failure (if I could remember the ones left that I hadn’t already reported as failed, absent or both).

I had accumulated a decent roster of lying credit so I needn’t panic but it was important my lie fell through this time and – Thank God – it did.  There were casting directors waiting to be blown away.

I got to the venue late because washing off make-up convincing enough to be signs of kidney failure takes some time. I realized just before they were ready for me that I had gotten the wrong scripts to practice with and spent the first few minutes explaining accordingly. I had to stop when indifference on the director’s face indicated that I just might have been wasting his precious time. My heart was at this time quickening. This led me to say the wrong age which in turn led the casting director to believe I was in dire need to shrink my age. Today, the devil had unprepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He set my panic in motion. I dismembered my lines of course and I wish that was the bane of my existence but then I decided in a moment of weakness to make small talk after the audition because I knew I had to do something more memorable than this disaster. I remembered what Ashley Simpson did on Saturday Night Live when she was caught lip-syncing and started to do little leprechaun dance.

I try not to, but I remember their faces.

Surely, if I got a call-back, it would be so I could amuse them a second time before they forbade me and told others what they had just witnessed.

They didn’t try to stop me, but I knew when it was time to drop my head in deep shame and walk out with whatever pride I had left. Then they stopped me, I thought at first, perhaps to give me a deserving dirty slap but I had just forgot to sign my release form in attending to earlier disgraces.

In school the following week, I had the sort of guilt reserved for those who had shamed themselves in private. I knew however, it was simply in my mind – no one else knew of this shame.

In the middle of the lecture, Mrs. Duncan-Eze calls my name and insists that I do an impromptu presentation. I assume that my face was made into all sorts of silent protests but hers stayed quite insistent.

I of course messed up this presentation I was deeply unprepared for.

I seldom got the chance to humiliate myself back-to-back.

She stopped me in the middle of mumbling jargon beneath my breath – forging sincerity, she asked –

‘Do you need a camera before you to make this work?’

The entire class burst out in laughter so eager, it was clear they had been saving it the entire time. They all knew. They had seen my audition.

‘Go back to your seat’ she ordered in the rightful tone of a conqueror.

As I walked back, I begged God to take me. Once I got to my seat, I received an email from the casting director. I didn’t get the part.

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Ifeanyi Dike Jr is an actor, editor and screen-writer. His credits include M-Net’s Tinsel, Teen Y! and Nigerian Idol. In 2011, he was named Number 27 on FAB magazine’s list of ‘Top 30 Nigerians Under 30’. Read his ongoing concerns on www.IfeanyiDikeJr.com, @IfeanyiDikeJr on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.