By Stanley Azuakola
Title change for President Jonathan
Moved by the outpour of love and public display of weeping in North Korea since the death of their “Dear Leader”, Kim Jong-il, Nigeria’s Office of National Distraction (OND) has proposed a title change for President Jonathan. The director of the OND, Alhaji Saiko Fant who announced the decision said henceforth the president shall be addressed as “Our Dearest Transformer.” He said the name change became necessary because the presidency is worried about the increasing state of disillusion over the stewardship of President Jonathan. The calculation is that the mushiness of the new title would arouse love and fondness in the hearts of Nigerians for their transformer. The OND also assured Nigerians that the anti-gay bill currently before the house would be tweaked to ensure that men who address the president as “Our Dearest…” wouldn’t be liable to 14years jail time.
PDP official defends ACN
A group of ACN lawmakers who said the Federal Government was “confused” in regards to its shoddy handling of security affairs in the nation received an unlikely ally in the person of the PDP national publicity secretary, Prof. Rufai Alkali, who came out strongly in their defence. Prof. Alkali said, “That the PDP is confused is not a secret, everyone knows that. The ACN however, is not confused; it is simply a group of cons fused together in one party. They say the PDP has corruption in its core, which is true. The ACN doesn’t have corruption; it has a core ruptured. The PDP leads with a heavy fist, we know. The ACN doesn’t have a heavy fist but we see from the increased LASU school fees that the ACN’s only interest is its heavy feast. Finally, Nigerians know that PDP is the king of deceit, unlike the ACN. But when you consider for instance that the ACN says it doesn’t support subsidy removal yet its governors support it, then you’ll understand that all the ACN knows isn’t deceit but how to use any means to get to the seat.”
Jonathan’s New Year resolutions
Last month, President Jonathan revealed his major resolution for 2012, which is to ensure that a sizeable portion of Aso Rock’s N1 billion kitchen affairs budget is spent on preparing highly enriched cassava bread to meet his daily energy needs. Now, A Pinch of N(u)ews has exclusively obtained his other 2012 resolutions. They include:
1. To avoid giving impromptu speeches so as not to fall my hand.
2. To take men down, starting with Gov. Timipreye Sylva.
3. To avoid speaking with US Embassy officials before another wicked leak reveals where I mistakenly tell them I have no idea what the heck I’m doing in Aso Villa.
4. To teach dearest Dame how to tweet and Facebook. 5. To take private tutorials from Baba on how to laugh at my enemies.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
Some men (and women) would not rest unless Nigeria becomes a fatal mess. Last Sunday’s bombing in Madalla and other locations across the country prove that enemies of this nation would never tire of exploiting our differences and stoking the embers of hatred and violence. Nigerians must not allow them to win in the New Year. They want us to see the Christian, the Moslem, the Hausa, or the other person as the enemy, but we must see only them—Boko Haram—as the enemy. Today’s CeeCee goes to those depraved souls who dare to maim and kill countrymen without batting an eyelid, to all those who support, finance and do business with them, and to those who sympathise with their treachery. They may have won a few battles, but they won’t win the war; evil will not prevail. A Pinch…wishes all Nigerians a Happy New Year.
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Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.