“I’ve got more swag than Oshiomhole” – President Jonathan… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Oshiomhole causes headache for the president

There seems to be too many leaks coming out of Aso Rock these days. Last week, the audio recording of a strategy meeting which the president had with some of his aides leaked to the press. The president and his men were heard discussing the move by Gov. Adams Oshiomhole to ride in a canoe to go help out in rescue efforts in some of the flooded areas of Edo State. The move gave the ACN governor good publicity. The recording begins with President Jonathan asking his aides, “Why didn’t I think of doing that first?”

“We don’t know sir,” said two unrecognisable voices.

“Ok,” said the president. “So how do I respond now? Should I ride to the flooded areas in a speed boat or a submarine and show them that the president has more swag?”

“No sir, that is already stale. Social media people will say you’re a copycat. So do your own. Visit one of the places grappling with insecurity like Maiduguri or Damaturu,” said an aide.

The president seemed to love the idea. “I see your point,” he said. “So I’ll visit Maiduguri, not with a canoe, but with a bullet proof vest, right?” he asked, with pride in his voice at his inventiveness.

“No sir, no sir,” the congregation of aides chorused. “A bullet proof vest will make you seem selfish. It can’t save anyone but you, unlike Adam ‘s canoe. Go instead with an AK-47. The Maidugurites need to know that you are capable of protecting them. Trust us, that’s why we are your top advisers.”

“Hmmm…ok, cool, cool, but biko, let me set up a committee that will determine if I should go with bullet proof vest or AK 47,” the president said.

And with that, the meeting came to an end. And that is the story of how neither the flooding nor the bombing victims got to see their Commander-in-Chief.

 

Senate President is Heart Broken

It was a sad week for Senate President David Mark, as his various attempts to please Nigerians were not enough to move them. His first attempt at pleasing Nigerians was his announcement that, “the Senate would stop the culture of take a bow and go during ministerial screening.” Nigerians responded to that with “We have heard that lie before sir, please try another.” Then he said, “we would impeach President Jonathan if he doesn’t take time.” To that, Nigerians responded with: “we have heard that threat before, try something new sir.” So Mark went back and came with what he thought was the greatest new strategic insight of this dispensation. “Information Minister Labaran Maku talks before thinking,” he declared triumphantly. But to his utter shock, Nigerians were not impressed: “But Mr. Senate President, we knew that before. Who doesn’t know Maku? In fact, you are wrong. Maku doesn’t talk before thinking; he talks before talking again. There is hardly any room for thinking with Maku. Please tell us something we don’t know.”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

 

How do you solve a problem like Arik? Arik Airline is a Nigerian politician – it doesn’t give a damn what you think about it. It will play dirty, make serious allegations and then go behind and settle like it did in the case of the Aviation Minister, which it accused of demanding for a stake in the company. Some call the Arik style ‘blackmail,’ and isn’t that what all politicians accuse their opponents of? If Arik doesn’t like you, it blacklists you, simple; just as a Nigerian politician does with journalists and contractors it doesn’t like. It doesn’t have to give any reason. To Arik, a simple “management decision” will suffice. Arik doesn’t care about its customers, as various video evidences have shown, neither does the politician care about his people. Arik is a PR professional’s nightmare; it is impossible to handle the image of an airline whose philosophy is as hazy as that of a Nigerian political party. Perhaps it makes sense then that Arik’s major backers/financiers are some of Nigeria’s shadiest politicians. Arik airline is a Nigerian politician, and Nigerians hate their politicians. It was inevitable then that Arik gets the Crowned Clown (CeeCee) award this week. Act responsibly, Arik.

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