Kidnappers reject govt bailout… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

“Did that coffin not hold a soul, from which we should take example and fear? When the coffin of anyone passes by you – whether Jew, Christian or Muslim – rise to your feet.” Those rejoicing should heed the words of the Prophet and be ashamed of themselves.

Kidnappers reject govt bailout

In the past two years, the Nigerian government has shown concern for its citizens by bailing them out in times of crisis. Banks, entertainers and even militants in the Niger Delta have all received bailout cash from the government at one time or the other. The Association of Kidnappers 24/7 (AK247) has chosen to take a different path, and has denied reports that it is currently lobbying to be bailed out. Barons of the N161 billion kidnapping sector said they do not need the government’s free money as they intend to work hard to earn their money. They claimed that even though they have people in government, they are not seeking to use that leverage in obtaining a bailout as they have a thriving empire, which lags only behind Mexico in the world. The AK247 also said that its resolution for next year is to expand further; hence they advised the National Assembly to revisit the recently passed 2013 budget and include enough cash for bailing out politicians from the net of kidnappers as the “politician market” is the new frontier they intend to expand into.


Pastor Ayo’s strange prayer

The president of the Christian Association of Nigerian (CAN), Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, has called on all Nigerians to pray for those in power. Specifically, Oritsejafor charged Nigerians to pray against plane crashes involving governors because that wouldn’t solve anything. He offered a different prayer instead. According to him, “Just last week, we heard that a car hit a mad lady in Ibadan and she became sane. God knows that I’m not saying our leaders are mental, but we all should pray that they all get hit by bulldozers. Maybe, that will help correct some issues upstairs.” And the church prayed fervently.


Fashola ponders collaboration options with Dettol or President Jonathan

Governor Babatunde Fashola of Lagos is fast becoming unpopular over some of his recent policy decisions like the okada ban and toll gates on Lekki-Epe expressway, and this has become a source of concern for his aides who do not know how best to brand the man. Investigations reveal that Fashola’s team intend to shoot a commercial showcasing the governor, but are sharply divided on what side of the governor should be portrayed. One group believes that the softer, dovish side of the governor should be shown. They believe that the governor should collaborate with Dettol antiseptic for the commercial. The highpoint of the advert would be when an aerial shot of Lagos is shown with its hustling people inset, and then a smiling Fashola would appear on the screen and say, “Dearest Lagosians, if I don’t take care of you, who will?” Afterwards a background voice would say “Endorsed by the Bourdillion Stronghold of Nigeria.”

However a second group believes that the tougher Fashola persona should be shown. To pull this off, they argue that rather than Dettol, the governor should collaborate with Nigeria’s tough president, Goodluck Jonathan. The highpoint of the advert would be the line where the two leaders would say “My name is Goodluck Jonathan. My name is Babatunde Fashola. You voted for us in 2011; but it doesn’t matter. We are the bosses now, we do what we like and we don’t give a damn.”



The world did not end last Friday. If it doesn’t end soon, then it’s certain that we all will die someday sooner or later. That’s the fate of us all – frail men of dust. It was appalling last week to learn that some people in Kaduna openly rejoiced upon hearing about the death of the late Kaduna governor, Patrick Yakowa. Their joy was not because the late governor was an oppressor. No. Yakowa’s offence was that he, being a Christian, aspired to, and won election into the Kaduna governor’s office. Thankfully these mischievous people serving a perverse politico-religious god were in the minority. In one famous Islamic hadith, a coffin passed by Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and the prophet stood up in respect. The people around him told him “Sir, that coffin belonged to a Jew, why stand up?” This was the prophet’s response: “Did that coffin not hold a soul, from which we should take example and fear? When the coffin of anyone passes by you – whether Jew, Christian or Muslim – rise to your feet.” Those rejoicing should heed the words of the Prophet and be ashamed of themselves. They are bigoted, disobedient clowns and they take the CeeCee this week.


Follow A Pinch… on twitter @stanleyazuakola



Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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