by Stanley Azuakola

 

Babatunde Fashola, the governor of Lagos, should gear up for the fight of his life. Lagosians have sworn to stage an Occupy Lagos protest over an announcement by the government that in seven days, the state would experience ripple effects from the deadly Hurricane Sandy which hit the United States last week. The protesters argued that a hurricane isn’t possible in Nigeria. They said intelligence available to them revealed that the Lagos state government only made the announcement because it was trying to unleash another draconian decree which would inflict hurricane-like calamity on ordinary Lagosians. The spokesman of the group, Otunba Rino Melanin said, “They have banned okada. They have increased school fees. They have demolished houses. They have introduced toll gates. What’s next? They want to pour sandy in our garri? We bind any Hurricane Fashola Sandy.” The spokesman for the governor could not be reached for his comments.

In a related development, The Straight Nigeria Initiative has rebuked Governor Fashola for the announcement by his transport commissioner that the state was set to include Bi-lanes on some roads. They questioned why “the governor intended to introduce bisexual lanes in the state. We will not sit by idly and watch Fashola turn our state into Sodom. How does he intend to screen out the straight folks from the bisexuals unless he is one too?”

However, A Pinch… can authoritatively reveal that the group’s argument against the proposed Bi-lanes was done in ignorance. What the commissioner actually meant by Bi-lanes was not bisexual lanes, but bicycle lanes so that residents can drive their bicycles to work in the absence of okadas.

 

PDP publicity secretary misfires

The publicity secretary of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Rufai Alkali, might be in trouble for comments he made when the false news of Florence Ajimobi’s arrest in London broke. A newspaper had falsely reported that Ajimobi, the wife of the Oyo governor was arrested by the London Metropolitan police. (The paper has since apologised.)

Responding to the false story, Alkali released a press statement arguing that the case was another example of why the PDP was better than the ACN. According to him, “the ACN is just a photocopy of the PDP and Nigerians should always learn to go for original things.”

He listed what he called “the three undeniable proofs of our originality.”

1. You heard that the EFCC under Ribadu investigated the wife of President Jonathan. So the ACN has now copied us and the wife of the Oyo governor is being investigated in London.
2. You saw how the president was thrashed in his own South-South zone, precisely in Edo by Gov. Oshiomhole, during the state’s elections. Now the ACN leader has been soundly thrashed as well by Gov. Mimiko in Ondo.
3. You see how we distribute our used people to the ACN and receive them back after some time like ex-vice president Atiku Abubakar (more recently we also dashed them Dino Melaye.)

He ended by saying “with these few points of mine I hope I’ve been able to convince and not confuse you that the ACN is just a less evolved PDP.”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

When you have served in the highest corridors of power as minister, certain values are expected of you, one of which is a detribalised mindset. Femi Fani-Kayode has been minister of aviation, as well as minister of culture, but there is no cultured bone in his body. He is one of Nigeria’s most visible bigots. A Pinch… does not throw these words around carelessly.

A correspondence Fani-Kayode had with an individual called Ibrahim Mohammed recently came into the open. In the Facebook messages released by Mohammed, the duo exchanged harsh words over Fani-Kayode’s stewardship of the aviation ministry. Mohammed did not release much of the insults he gave Fani-Kayode but Fani-Kayode’s responses (which he released) were sickening. The former minister had this to say about Mohammed: “Dirty Boko Haram animal like you. You are not fit to be served as meat for my dogs. You and your whole frigging family. Bloody almajiri like you. Filthy little parasite. Suya smelling nobody.” He went on to refer to ex-president Umaru Yaradua as Mohammed’s “bastard kinsman.”

Now, it is possible that Mohammed is a clown as well who provoked Fani-Kayode. Unless he releases the full conversation, we can’t be sure. But is there a justification for Fani-Kayode’s gutter tribalism? Or for his chauvinism and uncouth vituperations? Fani-Kayode is sick; this can’t be normal. A Pinch…wonders how he sleeps with all that bitterness inside. Tragic, clownish fellow, he takes the CeeCee this week.

 

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