by Ore Fakorede
Ever been caught in the open with Mini Me rearing its ugly head for some reason (doesn’t matter why)? Nothing could be more embarrassing. Instead of fox-trotting like a member of a marching band or creep-walking sideways next time this happens, here are seven ways to hide the zealous little fella and save your blushes.
1. Avoid the skinnies: Gay slurs aside, tight-fitting trousers are not cool to wear because they interrupt blood circulation, cut-off air supply to the lower regions and accentuate the visibility of erections. Keep things loose down there but avoid sloppy-looking baggies.
2. Be brief: You must have heard the phrase “real men wear briefs” a few times. Well, real men have erections so they should probably wear briefs. Buy them in sets, they will keep your man-tool closer to your body and force it to point downwards when it’s ‘sprung’.
3. Let it hang: Whenever you can, wear shirts and tees that terminate at the groin. Excuse me Mr. Fashionista, ‘jumpers’ are for ladies! Heaven help you if you have to tuck your shirt in with a ramrod in your trousers.
4. Holster the gun: It may sound like a tip from the Kama Sutra, but strapping Johnnie boy to your inner thigh with a pre-installed elastic band actually works. In very desperate situations (e.g. at work), a tie can serve the same purpose. Note: Avoid rough-handling or strapping too tightly. Rehearse well before any actual performance.
5. Keep it out of sight: When the going gets tough, the sharp guys get going. If it’s not too late in the game, covering up the bulge may be your match-winner. Lean forward or cross your legs till the ’swelling’ becomes less conspicuous. Learn to improvise- keep a newspaper between your crotch and the public eye, stand behind a table or use any other physical barrier.
6. Create a distraction: Draw attention away from the erection. If your hands are free, stuff them in your front pockets or create another protrusion that balances out the other by putting bulky objects (Galaxy Tab, anyone?) in the pockets. See why skinny pants are a ’killer’?!
7. Exit swiftly: Seriously, ometimes, you just have to flee the scene of the crime! Recognise that moment when all else has failed and walk away as briskly as you can. If you’re at a social engagement, you could head for the toilet, the car park or a deserted area.
Just do it!