Miraculous employment letters – and more, in today’s news roundup with Cheta Nwanze

by Cheta Nwanze

Saka

Oh to be a fly in the wall of an Etisalat office as they try and do a post-mortem on how Saka ‘ported’ to MTN.

– “How the hell did that happen?”
– “Oga I no know. D tin catch us like upper cut.”
– “You mean a valuable marketing brand just crossed over to a rival without you knowing what happend?”
– “Oga no be so. Na marketing no pay am on time.”
– “Na lie, we pay am. Una no give am better contract.”

Oh to be a fly in the wall of an Etisalat office as they try and do a post-mortem on how Saka ‘ported’ to MTN.

But the blame game is not restricted to the marketing departments of major corporations. Governments tend to do it a lot, so do politicians. Thus it was that the PDP babariga and a federal suit informed us yesterday, well over a decade after the end of the jackboot, that the reason my generator requires constant servicing, the reason I had to put other projects on hold when my inverter packed up, is because of the army. Forgive me while I put on my rose tinted spectacles. We have had fourteen years within which to correct the power problem. Indeed it has actually gotten worse. Yes I’m still wearing the rose-tinted spectacles, but at the tail end of the jackboot, we had a sort of ‘one day off, two days on’ system for electricity, which was largely adhered to by the chaps at NEPA. These days, well, it’s more like no day on, one week off…

The blame game is still on in full force. Yesterday, our biggest gavel got in on the act. Uncle Mark told an assorted conference that the reason the Executive and the Legislature don’t get along is as a direct result of “military hangover”. According to him, due to the many years of military rule in the country, starting from 1966, Nigerians are still learning to appreciate the relevance of the legislature in governance. Piece of advice, it would be easier to appreciate their relevance if they actually made laws that affect our day to day lives, or amended the existing laws to make them relevant. Am I stating the bleeding obvious in pointing out that you cannot collect ‘armed robbers’ salary’ and go on holiday two months out of each year, then expect to be appreciated?

Quote of the day

“A soldier was beheaded by terrorists who took cover in the community after the dastardly act. At another time soldiers were ambushed by the insurgents during which a soldier was killed and the terrorists were shielded by members of the community,” an MJTF beret explains why Baga has just gone the way of Odi, Zaki Biam and the Badagry Police.

Bits and bobs

Unable to rest in peace with the 67% unemployment rate in Nigeria, Ahmed Dantanko rose up from his grave and signed Federal employment letters for Rose and Tijani. After they had paid him N250k each for the miracle.

The same suit that informed us that there’s no light because of the army is coming to terms with the fact that 20-20-20 is not in any definition of perfect vision.

Rather than provide jobs for the millions of Devil’s Workshops that the country is forging, the Bow-Tie would that they are all given amnesty.

Nigeria imports a disproportionately high percentage of what she consumes. Nigeria doesn’t make importation easy. So our Nigeria’s importers bring stuff in from elsewhere. Sound familiar?

The chap in charge of works has said that the princely sum of N921,400,000,000 is needed to fix our roads. This is as opposed to the N183,504,316,000 that his ministry got for the entire year.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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