My title is bigger than yours: About Nigerians and their obsession with titles

Sometime in 2007, I was an MC at a wedding reception in Port Harcourt. Introduction of members of the high table was the customary commencement, and promptly, I hailed the chairman of the occasion with the name and title written on the list given to me by the groom who contracted me.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming to the high table the Chairman of today’s occasion Chief Honourable Bla Bla Bla, and his wonderful wife Barrister Mrs. Bla Bla Bla.”

A round of applause rent the air. Alas, no one stood up. I was surprised. I had been told by a friend of the couple who was acting as my aide for the day that the chairman and wife were already seated in the hall. I turned to him and whispered, “Are you sure he is in the hall?”

“Yes he is. He is the fat fair man wearing a bowler hat and a blue chieftaincy dress near the very back.”

I was flustered. Why didn’t he stand then? I decided to try again. Maybe he didn’t like the first applause.

“Ladies and gentleman, it is not easy to be a Chairman of such an occasion as this. Our Chairman and his wife deserve a better round of applause. So now, could you all join me and give a proper welcome to our Chairman for today’s reception, Chief Honourable and Barrister Mrs. Bla Bla Bla.”

A raucous applause erupted in the hall and lasted for the better part of a minute. Still, no one stood up. Just as I was about to turn to my ad hoc aide to ask whether he was setting me up for embarrassment, a casually-dressed young man seating behind the bowler hat chief stood and began walking towards the podium. The entire hall stared at him, wondering if he was the elusive chairman. The young man walked majestically, taking his time. Soon enough, he reached me.

“I am Chief’s PA.” he murmured in a gruff, militant baritone.

“You mean our Chairman? So he’s there?”

“You are not addressing him correctly. His titles are Chief Honourable Sir and his wife’s titles are Lady Barrister.” He placed great emphasis on the titles are; wagging his right forefinger as he pronounced the words. The PA continued. “He is also Chairman of Bla Bla Bla Group of Companies.”

With that, the important PA strode back to his seat, leaving me wide-eyed and better educated. In spite of my very visible anger, I had to pretend that all was well and move on with the event. I had been paid to ensure that the bride and groom had a wedding reception to remember, and I wasn’t going to allow some self-important fool to ruin the day.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely apologize for incorrectly addressing our Chairman and his wife. Abeg make una help me beg Oga and Madam make them no flog me. Could you now please join me in welcoming our dear Chairman for today’s occasion; the Chairman of Bla Bla Bla Group of Companies, Chief Honourable Sir and Lady Barrister Bla Bla Bla.”

A deafening ovation ensued as the obese megalomaniac finally arose with an idiotic smile, followed by his highly-decorated wife.

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