Owei Lakemfa: The travails of Serena Williams

by Owei Lakemfa

May it please this Court. This is the case of the State Versus Serena Jemeka Williams. She is charged with revolutionising the Tennis World, not only in dominating the women’s championships, which had been a preserve of whites, but also amassing a wealth of over $70 million and, more importantly, at 33, and after over a decade of unfair dominance, refusing to give way.

Whereas the white world has been forced over years to cede the turf of some essential parts of human existence to blacks, the latter continues, with malice to contest others with us. We had abandoned to them what was the beautiful art of boxing since 1908 when Jack Johnson won the world heavyweight title before he was joined by others like Joe Louis and that lousy fellow, Mohammed Ali. Sorry for that use of language.

We abandoned music for them, and see how greedy they are with one man, Michael Jackson, dominating the scene since he was a mere seven old. May his soul rest in peace. See the rash of people they produced in the industry; Sidney Poitier, Sammy Davis Jr., Pam Grier, whom we suspect the accused is taking after. Spike Lee came, and see the type of movies he is producing; Malcolm X! Admittedly, Bill Cosby has played the stereotype for long, but see his sex scandal; you just can’t trust these N****s, sorry, these blacks.

See what they have done to the track race; seeking to privatise a human endeavour. Jesse Owens, Carl Louis. It was good that the ‘bullet’ Ben Johnson was disgraced. This is what should have happened to the accused, but despite our very best efforts, she is just too clever. Now they have handed the baton to their Jamaican kinsmen led by another ‘bullet’, the exhibitionist, Usain Bolt.

A turf like golf had been safe for us, until a tiger emerged from the woods. But like many of them, he has been consumed by his success. Too much money turn their heads. That sadly, has not happened to the accused.

Mi Lord! The prosecution will lead evidence to show that the accused is the product of a fake Tennis coaching programmme as her father, Richard Williams, was neither a coach nor a talent scout. If coaching becomes an all-comers affair, what will be left of this beautiful sport? He is also a suspected racist who encouraged his children to whip white women on the Court. We shall adduce evidence to show that Mr. Williams who has made Tennis suffer indignity, fixes matches between the accused, and her sister, Venus. Your Lordship, our main witness on this, is the great Tennis legend, Mr. John McEnroe.

So, if Mr. Williams has made us suffer not just the dominance of the accused, but also of her sister, then he should be charged as an accomplice; an accessory after the fact.

Evidence will be adduced that, in fact, Serena is a man. Our main witness in this is the head of the Russian Tennis Federation, our brother, Shamil Tarpishev who in a television programme publicly pronounced that the twosome are in truth the “Williams brothers” as “it’s scary when you really look at them.”

Mi Lord, Mr. Tarpishev, who has headed the Kremlin Cup, Russia’s only women tour event for eighteen years should know, and knows what he is talking about. Therefore, it was unfair for the Women Tennis Association (WTA) to fine him $25,000 and suspend him from tour involvement for one year. There is the need for the Court to declare Tarpishev innocent and order his rehabilitation.

The accused has won 21 Grand Slam titles and has been for the 25th consecutive week, No. 1 in world ranking. All at 33! Doubtlessly she is on steroids and this we shall prove by calling as our main witness, the eminent American, Mr. David Frum, former Adviser to President George W. Bush. He will convince this court, beyond all reasonable doubt, that given the physical appearance of the accused, she cannot but be on drugs. This gives her an unfair advantage over white women, who like ladies should be, are not fleshy and have legs like models.

An example is the way she humiliates one of our greatest, Maria Sharapova, a beautiful blonde the accused has beaten the last seventeen times they have met. But we are not as stupid as the blacks think, so while the accused wins the Grand Slams, our sister wins the money; in 2014, while the accused garnered $11 million in endorsements, Sharapova amassed $22 million, that is twice the endorsements of the accused.

Your Lordship, you can be sure that we are working very hard to expose the accused; she is the most tested, in and out of the Court. We even followed her to Africa and carried out a test when she was relaxing. She dares not complain about harassment or being stalked by our team of experts. What we aim at is to get her implicated in in enhancement performing drugs so she can be stripped of her titles and denied her place in the Tennis pantheon.

By chancing in on her every time and accusing her of being a man, we had hoped that she will develop psychological problems and start believing that she is actually a man, trapped in the body of a woman. Who knows, she may even have a sex change. We want this court to ignore whatever evidence a misguided person like J.K. Rowlands may produce. Don’t forget that this is not about fiction or another Harry Porter series.

There is the need for the Court to find the accused guilty so as to save the noble sport of Tennis and stop her further amassing such stupendous wealth which can be better shared amongst other players. We submit that the possibility of defeating the accused on the Tennis Court is very slim, there is therefore the need to defeat her in the Court of Law, especially when she is scandal-free. We so submit.

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail