But if you’re wearing a sweatshirt and jeans without any makeup and your friends are doing a little something to make themselves appealing, most men’s eyes are going to go for those girls first.
It’s a Friday night. Your girlfriends all have date nights with their boyfriends. They’re going to dinner, the movies, staying in and spending time together. And you: you’re alone. And it doesn’t take long for you to wonder why.
Well, the answer isn’t as simple as you may think. And in some cases, it’s simpler than you think. There’s no way of really knowing unless we speak with you, but here are some of the most common reasons we encounter as Relationship Coaches that a woman may not have that special man in her life.
It’s great to have high standards. No woman should sell herself short and then be stuck in a situation she regrets. But, there is such a thing as having standards that are too high. What’s the difference, you ask? Well, normal standards look like this: “I want him to respect me, treat me right, and be honest and decent”. High standards look like this: “He better drive a Lexus and have a job making six figures”. It’s good to have expectations. But ultimately, whether or not he’s a high earner isn’t going to bring you happiness or a stable relationship. Also, don’t let your standards get in the way of a good guy. Sometimes women will pass on a man, believing they can do better, only to settle with a lesser someone years later. Always ask yourself if your standards are realistic. And more importantly, ask if your standards will nab you the man that will make you happy.
This might be something to look at. Do you need to win every argument? Are you confrontational or super defensive? Do you never give compliments, are always negative, or can’t be pleased? Believe it or not, there are certain personality traits that will turn men off, no matter how gorgeous a woman is. If you always walk into a relationship like nothing he does is good enough, he will not stick around. And if, when you first meet a man, you’re not willing to engage him in conversations about his interests, he will also not stick around. Don’t be combative or hostile, and don’t let one thing he says turn you off to him completely. Open up a little more, and don’t stress. Men who see women as unfairly and overly negative usually head for the door.
You’re Going After the Wrong Guy
It happens all too often. You’re able to pull what you think is a fantastic guy – good looking, charming, a guy girls women would kill for. He can get whoever he wants. And that’s part of the problem. If you’re constantly seeking the guy who’s going to make every woman jealous, keep in mind that this guy probably (re: definitely) knows that he can get you and any other woman in the room. Thinking that the lotharios are the ones that want to stick around are where you’re bound to get caught going after the wrong guy.
This goes for both men and women. Most of us are very bad at listening. To listen is to devote your complete attention on the other person. If your attention is divided between what they’re saying and what you want to say next or how you want to respond, you will not receive everything he is saying. Listening is not about hearing. It’s about receiving. Information from the other person is coming at you in several forms. Spoken word is only a fraction of it. Pay attention to their body language, their tonality, eye contact, their energy, euphemisms, sarcasm, and the things they don’t say. There is too much being sent to you NOT to be fully attentive.
Sometimes, you may be in a city or town and you just don’t click with the men you’re surrounded by. This happens too. Maybe you’re in a rural town and you like city guys. Or maybe you’re in a city but prefer a cowboy. In any case, you probably won’t be able to connect if you don’t have things in common. If you think that you’re not getting along with the guys in your area, seek out a different area – go to different hang outs, different scenes. Explore. You may find that you’re more attracted to the type that goes to a lounge than goes to a bar.
You Don’t Take Care of Yourself
Believe it or not, men care about this. Not in the ways you think (we’re really not caring what brand your shoes are). But we do care if you take care of yourself. This includes things like wearing nice clothes, doing your hair, makeup, exercising, and even what you eat.
Now, you don’t need to go overboard – and it shouldn’t be a determining factor in a relationship. But if you’re wearing a sweatshirt and jeans without any makeup and your friends are doing a little something to make themselves appealing, most men’s eyes are going to go for those girls first. And it’s not that you aren’t appealing, but by the time he gets to you, he’s already taken by the girl who put in a little extra effort. Also things like staying in shape. A healthy body is connected to a healthy mind. Again, don’t go overboard – extra fat isn’t going to kill you. But making sure that you don’t have five layers of fat will also help.
We lead people how to see us. If you take very little care and interest in yourself, we will follow suit. Yes, men are attracted to physical beauty. So are women. We are all visual creatures. If your perception and opinion for men’s love for the visual and physical is a negative one, then you’re only seeing part of the picture. How you present yourself to the world reflects the level of care you put into yourself. Do you take care of your body? Do you have healthy eating habits overall, or do you eat crap that increases the chances of having health problems in the future? Do you celebrate your face, or do you resent it? However nature and genetics have designed you, you are beautiful… but only if you choose to believe so. If you don’t like what nature has given you, there is a large degree to which you can decorate your machine. Your body and your face are your canvas. Be its master, not its slave. Be kind and encouraging to it, rather than cruel and full of disdain.
You’re Still Hung Up On An Ex
Whether you’re still seeing him or still dreaming about him – the ex is getting in the way and leaving you with nothing but an empty bed. Sometimes the thoughts of an ex will keep you from investing in another man. The ex will make you see other men as just a passing phase on the way back into the ex’s arms. Other times, the men you’re dating will catch wind that you’re still in love with your ex. If this is the case, many men will split before they get attached and subsequently hurt when you and the ex rekindle the spark (even if it’s just for the night).
Being Judgmental and Insecure
Most men do not care to be around women who are full of judgments about people and life. It’s negative, saps out the fun and motivates us to be on guard with what we say and how we act. The end result: We don’t feel free when we’re with you. Hating on other women only reveals your insecurity and weakness of character. People say men are visual, and we are, but we are also discerning when it comes to character.
You Give Everything Up Too Easily
When you’re a teenager, you think the easiest way to get a man to stick around is to sleep with him. When you get a little older, you realize that isn’t necessarily the best way. If you sleep with a man the first time you meet him, there’s a good chance he may not call for a second date. Why? He may feel that he has gotten everything from you that’s worth getting. By not giving him more than a kiss the first night you meet him, he will be encouraged to continue the pursuit. Also, when he finds it’s that easy to be with you sexually, he’ll quickly start to wonder how many other men found it to be just as easy. He will be disinclined to start dating, thinking that you may find another guy to hook up with.
Whether you’ve been hurt or taken advantage of before, it’s yesterday’s baggage. It has no place in the present. When you put up your walls, we cannot see you and will lose interest quickly. Courage and confidence are sexy to every gender. When we have to watch out for things that may scare you or bring up bad memories, it sucks away energy we would put in to seducing and enjoying you.
The past is finished. Whatever happened is not happening now or anymore. If you are suffering from it, it is because you keep reaching back to the past to reflect on it. Let it go. It is over.
The same goes with women who are bitter. Holding on to the bad things that have happened to you make you bitter, always. And you carry that taste with you when you meet men. Let go, forgive, forget, or whatever helps you claim back your happiness and power. When part of you stays or continuously revisits the past, you are splintered and we can only experience part of your beauty in the present moment.
You Can’t Accept Compliments or Nice Gestures
Rejecting a compliment can be humble, only to a point. When it continues, you are essentially rejecting a man’s attempt at loving you. We want to tell you and show you that we think you are beautiful. Whether or not you agree with the delivery is a separate matter. Can you accept it with grace and appreciation?
It is an energy frequency that repels everyone, men and women alike. Desperation is the fullest expression of fear. Get out of your head. Be in the moment. Enjoy what is happening. Do not attach to any outcome. Desperation is a state of mind that takes you over and drives you repeatedly to singleville.
You Can’t Be By Yourself
Men are turned off by the woman who always has to have company and can’t be by herself. If a man is calling you, and you’re in the company of another man every time, he’ll feel unneeded and wonder why he should even bother with someone who’s always so occupied.
You Don’t Actually Want a Relationship
Whether you admit it or not, you may actually be single because you want to be. You may enjoy going out with girlfriends and playing the field. You may not want the attachment of a serious partner. Or you may just not be very good at commitment. In any case, some women who are single really just want to be single. And some want to be single subconsciously. If you’re asking “why am I single”, but then not returning the calls of men who are interested, or you’re going out for drinks every weekend, these are behavioral signs that you really, at core, don’t want to be tied down. Sometimes being single is just what you want.
Whatever is keeping you single has very little to do with anything outside of yourself. Your perceptions about men, yourself, the meaning you put into the little things, your beliefs – are most likely in need of an overhaul. We are all energetic, vibrating beings. Confidence, fun, depression, bitterness – they all vibrate at specific frequencies. What are you vibrating during most of your life?
The good news is that vibrations, perceptions, and beliefs can always be changed, and that we’re here to help you. Talk to a Relationship Coach today, and begin removing the labels you’ve put over your beautiful self that are clouding you…
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.