11 things no one tells you about watching porn

by Tess Koman

porn

 

Yes, you can laugh. Porn is funny. But it’s so weird to watch other people having sex for the first time that your vagina might get a little confused.

 

1. Finding it is so intimidating.  Seriously, at no point in time are you exposed to what the best source for beginner’s porn is. And everybody knows what happens when you google “porn?”. That is the last internet hole you want to fall into. (Pornhub.com is a good place to start because everything is categorized clearly.)

1b. Your computer will not explode with pop-ups and creepy, unseeable things. I avoided searching until I felt like a Real Woman who could handle having an impressive Internet history and not illogically panic about my laptop dying forever because I looked for porn that one time.

2. There are SO MANY different kinds. Not everybody knows what they’re into, but there is a place in the porn world for everyone and her mother (literally, sorry, ew).

3. There are a lot of close-ups. Which might be the point, for some people. But for a first-time watcher, the intimacy of it all might be overwhelming. When you settle in for p-in-v or p-in-b or p-in-anything porn, you are signing up for an anatomy lesson, too.

4. You are inevitably going to compare yourself to the porn stars. How do they get such perfect bikini lines?!

5. Your butthole doesn’t look like porn star buttholes. See above. Unless, you know, you’re into this kind of thing:
6. It’s amazingly body-positive. You can find porn that shows any body shape or size or color. It’s super sexy and real and wonderful.

7. The yelping. Porn is not a rom com. There will not be whispering and growling and sweet nothings. There will be “OH YEAHs,” “F__K MEs,” and yelping. Screaming, too. Which can be hot if it doesn’t take you by complete surprise, I think.

8. There’s a sequence to the sex, generally. (Little-to-no foreplay)-BJ-oral-missionary-doggy-style-some kind of cowgirl. This is something to be aware of if you’re really not into blow jobs. You can fast-forward!

9. They make deepthroating look easy. It is not easy. You may get inspired and want to try this at home. Practice first! Maybe take a class. There’s no way anyone finds that easy to do.

10. You’re probably not going to get off from it at first. Yes, you can laugh. Porn is funny. But it’s so weird to watch other people having sex for the first time that you might get a little confused.

11. But you’re probably going to get a little turned on. Even if you are more intrigued, confused, or amused than anything else, a liiiiittle part of you will be into it. Go with it! You can consider your bu__hole-bleaching options another time.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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