@ChrisBamidele: Sex with the Ex? No please! (Y! Superblogger)

by Chris Bamidele

Yes, I know this topic is familiar, even though most of us wouldn’t want to talk about it, but it is real, very real. Sex with the ex is as real as day and night. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you have done it, I have done it too. So calm down and let’s talk about it okay? OK!

Breakups are hard for most people, especially for the partner who is more in love than the other. It’s probably one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through, next to the death of a loved one, yet for others, it’s a blast of freedom, a chance to reset and start again. But one aspect of breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend that probably can cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with that person you broke up with or who broke up with you and you can’t seem to stop.

Sometimes it is not planned, sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when she came over to collect her stuff, or you just ran into each other at a mutual friend’s party and it is late for her to go home, so she crashed at yours, and things just continued or ended there. But sometimes, you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’ or he is ‘so damn good in bed’. But whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You two would have had so much shared history and familiarity; and if the sex especially had been the best part of your relationship, turning your back on that and move on overnight is very unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls especially the one who knew the right buttons to touch in your body and soul, it’s easy to give in and go running to the comfort and safety of someone who knows you and you know. But the trouble is; good sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

Amazing sex with anyone could make the whole world look like a better place. But you should know that the sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain during sex. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything/everything will seem better. You’ll forget your constant arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you felt when they left you alone to shoulder your problems when they could have been there.

If you have found yourself at a place where the only solution to your differences is a break-up, and staying apart, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters for both of you. But if you still want to go ahead and do it because both of you just think the sex is too good to let go; then do it. There is no general right or wrong in this situation; only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to continue having sex with your ex.

  • Why did you breakup in the first place? Was there a good reason? Was sex part of the reason? Will sex make things right this time around?
  • Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have the fear of being alone? Or do you just enjoy ravaging their body?
  • Are you or your partner using sex to try to reconnect or reignite the passion in the dead relationship instead of facing the discomfort of ending things?
  • Will having sex with your ex not stop you from moving on to someone else? And if you are already with someone else, are you not cheating on that new person? Or you don’t see it as “cheating”; you simply see it as ‘Okafor’s law in motion?
  • Is this an exclusive thing? Are you now dating again, or just sex-buddies or friends with benefits? Is your partner having sex with someone else, especially their new partner in their new love-life? Are you both using protection?

Remember, the reason you broke up in the first place is to dissolve the relationship after you are both sure you never wanted it again. So what exactly is the thrill for something you had already thrown away? Getting back with your ex for occasional nights of passion especially when the sex is good might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to have a successful and new healthy relationship.

So, you have to make a choice. Do you want to move on, or you want to keep looking back? Ultimately, whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience leading to nowhere. Stay Safe.

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Chris Bamidele blogs at www.chrismbamidele.wordpress.com

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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