by Stanley Azuakola
“Do you feel you’re over happy? Remember that too much of anything is bad. If you wanna be depressed, listen to the song by Ini Edo or Desmond Elliott …
Doctors launch Operation Kora Haram
Given that they spend more years in the university than any other profession, doctors are known to be by far the smartest Nigerians.
This is why the behaviour of the lawyer who occupies the Lagos State governor’s office, Babatunde Fashola, hasn’t gone down well with them. Now, the doctors are using their famed genius to strike back.
Reports reaching A Pinch…say the Lagos doctors are ready to call off their strike and in its place launch an all out assault called Operation Kora Haram, loosely translated as “to sack us is sin.” Operation Kora Haram involves unleashing acts of terrorism on patients in order to force government to the negotiating table as only terrorists are eligible for negotiation in Nigeria.
Various terrorism activities would be undertaken including: kidnapping the body parts of patients (like a testis or a mammary gland), misplacing of surgical knives and scissors inside the body cavity of patients and rigging stomachs with chemicals during surgery so that the discharged patients would release fart bombs on the rest of the populace.
How to be depressed
Last week, a faceless group placed a controversial advert in most of the nation’s dailies. “To everything there’s a season –a time to be happy and a time to be depressed,” the advert read. “Do you feel you’re over happy? Remember that too much of anything is bad. If you wanna be depressed, here are tried and tested techniques to make that happen for you.”
- Listen to the song by Ini Edo or Desmond Elliott.
- Download the “best of Goodluck Jonathan’s speeches,” and read or listen to them for three straight hours (Spoiler Alert: Headache likely!).
- Take the promises of Minister of Power, Prof Barth Nnaji seriously.
- Never miss the 9pm news by NTA.
Permit A Pinch…to indulge its vainer side and gloat a bit. Last week, we carried the story of a new Goodluck Jonathan app called the Gaffe-boss, which anticipates the gaffes of the president on any issue imaginable. “For instance, if the name of Petroleum Minister Diezani Madueke is typed into the app, this is what comes out as the president’s response: ‘The work she is doing as minister is as beautiful as she is. I’ll rather sack myself than sack her.’”
In the course of the week, presidential spokesman Reuben Abati attested to the accuracy of the app by confirming that not only would President Jonathan not sack the beautiful Allison-Madueke (as the app predicted), but he would also spare all the other ministers (both the beautiful and the ugly.) So once again, A Pinch…was right; yet another reason to keep reading.
Crowned Clown (CeeCee) of the Week
Like most Nigerians, A Pinch…had also overrated the DG of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), Arunma Oteh. But it was disappointing to watch the spectacle put up by Ms Oteh and her team at the resumed sitting of the ad hoc committee of the House of Representatives charged with investigating the collapse of the capital market.
To be clear, A Pinch…isn’t accusing Oteh of being corrupt (until it’s proven). However, the depth of callousness exhibited by Oteh in her continued insistence that she’s justified in accepting the gift of two members of staff from a bank listed on the exchange which she regulates and the disunity and rancour exhibited by the top management of SEC was just shocking.
Nigerians expected more from Oteh’s leadership. The SEC under her watch looks alarmingly like a house of cards –wrong-footed and unsure. So far the only thing she’s proved very adept at is defending herself vigorously by being the attack dog. That unfortunately isn’t enough. She’s a clown, a confused one, and takes the CeeCee this week. (NB: A Pinch…has not and will not mention the unrepentant Rolex professor. Some cans are better left unopened.)
Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola
Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.