by Stanley Azuakola
First ladies clash over ‘Milk Ambassador’
Trouble is brewing in Nigeria’s First Ladies Union, and the cause is Peak milk, of all things. The genesis of the problem was the naming of Omolewa Ahmed, wife of the Kwara State governor as the first ‘Milk Ambassador.’ This didn’t go down well with most of the other first ladies in the country. A particular first lady from the South West was so pissed that she wrote a scathing letter to Wapco, makers of Peak Milk, asking some serious questions. The key points of her letter include:
• How can Omolewa be the milk ambassador when her mammary glands are not larger than mine?
• I cannot prove it publicly, but her husband does not suck better than mine either. Have you seen my husband’s lips recently? Off the record, it’s not only government money he sucks with those lips.
• As first lady, I am the mother of my state just as Omolewa is the mother of hers. My own state, being more populated, has a more milk-sucking population, so what makes her more deserving?
• To settle this case, I call on Peak milk to organise a competition for “The Most Milky First Lady in Nigeria.” All of us would gather and showcase our ‘things’ and Nigerians would vote via SMS.
Nigeria: Illiterate executive, illiterate legislature
Pollsters are trying to make sense of a new poll, which seeks to compare the perception of government officials in the executive with that of the legislature in Nigeria. The poll became necessary following reports from the senate last week. First, the deputy Senate President, Ike Ekweremadu, revealed that most of his colleagues can “hardly spell their own names.” Then, two presidential advisers, Doyin Okupe and Ahmed Gulak, complained that Senators were reacting negatively to the 2013 budget presented by President Jonathan because of their illiteracy. Senators were offended by that and called the presidential advisers names as well. I
n the poll conducted, Nigerians were asked the question: Which arm of government behaves more like illiterates, the executive or the legislature? In a perplexing result, 100 percent of Nigerians voted that the legislature acted more like illiterates. Surprisingly, 100 percent also voted that it was the executive which acted more like illiterates. The result defies all the theories of statistics and probability and scholars are presently researching how such an impossible result could occur.
Tonto Dikeh defies Patience Jonathan
Last week, Nigeria’s first lady, Patience Jonathan returned from her foreign trip. Her team arranged for journalists and cameramen to take shots of her every move as she arrived, danced, hugged, gave a speech and almost kissed the president. However, her dream of making her arrival the only topic of discussion that day was shattered, thanks to a lady called Tonto Dikeh. Dikeh, the Nollywood actress/musician made a huge splash when she released two universally agreed horrible songs on the same day Dame Jonathan arrived.
The songs were so bad that everyone just lost the ability to focus or talk about the first lady. Tonto did not give a damn about the return of the dame. Sources say that this did not go down well with the first lady who does not take kindly to sharing the stage with anyone, like when she famously shut down Lagos roads during a visit, so that Lagosians would note her presence in traffic. The first lady is reportedly so upset that she has asked the president to appoint a new special adviser in charge of “guaranteeing continuous attention” for her.
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Editor’s Note: A Pinch… is satire