This isn’t one of those “let’s-hate-on-all-the-men” articles; this is a piece that seeks to shed light on the experiences of the present day, average, Nigerian woman. The Banker. The Writer. The Housewife. There is a chord that binds us all together, a chord that we share, first as women, then as anything else the society needs us to be.
“Babe how are you?” “I’m doing okay o! Thank you!.”
“Are you sure? How’s work, family and all?”
“Fine o! Everything is great; we thank God.”
Perfectly innocuous replies from one Nigerian woman to another right? Wrong. Then somebody goes ahead to slit her wrists, overdoses on valium or hangs herself from the ceiling fan in her bedroom.
This is the story that I Onomarie Francesca Uriri, 28 year old Nigerian woman wants to tell. This is the startling story of a growing number of Nigerian women, who find pretence, but most times, no real comfort or peace in religion, a reality where women are mothers, sisters and wives; but who, sadly still lack a true sense of identity. A disturbing reality where the need to be “fine” is most times greater than the need to be happy, whole and healthy. If the number of personal stories of depression and suicide I hear of are anything to go by, then I am afraid that I belong to a generation of women who are crying out…very loudly for help and yet no one is listening.
This isn’t one of those “let’s-hate-on-all-the-men” articles; this is a piece that seeks to shed light on the experiences of the present day, average, Nigerian woman. The Banker. The Writer. The Housewife. There is a chord that binds us all together, a chord that we share, first as women, then as anything else the society needs us to be.
Recently, I went to visit a friend of mine who had just been delivered of a baby girl; I was so excited for her; more excited, I noticed than the new mother herself. After a little probing, my friend revealed that she didn’t feel anything for the child. “Fran I swear I’m so angry, this child gets on my nerves; I feel like slapping her sometimes” she said to me. To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly. “Have you told your mum” I asked? “Yes my mum gave me holy water to drink and poured olive oil on my head. She said I would soon feel better, but I just want to die on most days.” I’m not exactly sure, but I think my friend has post partum depression, or something that a qualified mental health expert needs to check out. I mean I totally understand the need to pray and all, but is that enough? It almost seems to me that we live in a society where useless platitudes and empty religious rhetoric are used as a band aid for everything. If you’re feeling stressed at home, after an exhausting day at work, just say ‘it is well’ 200 times and voila! You’ll be as good as new. Faith has its place, but so does affirmative action.
In January this year, I survived (yes survived) a horrific robbery incident. Getting robbed is bad enough, but watching a fellow woman getting raped just does strange things to your head. Thankfully I wasn’t raped, but I just couldn’t get the horrific images out of my head. I knew I needed counseling, help, whatever; but I didn’t know where to go. I felt like my mind was splintering into pieces, but everyone kept saying “don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” But I knew I wasn’t fine, not with the terrible nightmares and suicidal thoughts I was having. I really, honestly had convinced myself that it would be better to just die. Having lost all my valuables, I did not want to start again; and I certainly did not want to tolerate the pity (or ignorance) from ‘caring’ people. I felt so alone and oh so very tired.
I honestly don’t know how I came out of that dark place; I believe God had a lot to do with it, but I also realize just how quickly things went bad. I know that not everyone has a chance to crawl out of places like that and for that I am thankful. But I am also afraid. What if something terrible like that happens again? What then? Will I be so lucky? Where do people go for help in cases like mine or my friends’ for that matter? Are our medical centres equipped with psychologists and psychiatrists who can help people navigate their way back to light? Shouldn’t people be more open and aware about these things? Depression and suicidal behavior should be taken more seriously, not ascribed to one wicked witch of the west in some far off, flung out village.
There are way too many women putting band aids on tumour sized issues, just because the society expects them to be ‘fine’ – pun intended, just because to admit that you need help is somehow an admission of utter failure. Someone needs to puncture that lie with understanding and compassion. Selah!
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Francesca Uriri is the Creative Director at Brookstone Consult – a rapidly growing PR & Events consultancy. An alumnus of Farafina Trust International Creative Writing programme, Francesca, through her writing, hopes to use creative fiction and non-fiction, to tell “alternative” Nigerian stories. Follow her – @zanyfran
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30 Days 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians to share their stories and experiences with other young Nigerians, within our borders and beyond, to inspire and motivate them.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
i feel like i've been waiting for this article for a long time. and yes, this is affirmative action: making this feeling words on a page.
Okay, you a re good as usual!
I wish I had all the answers but I don't.
but you are seven people from anyone you want to meet right?
You will find someone who does know…
being true to yourself always does help.
Prayer does also, not the cliche kind.
The sincere prayer to God always does it.
Counselling is not bad either but be selective when.
it comes to picking counselors.
Francesca, thank you for writing this.
Beautifully written Francesca. It is important for our societies to know a cry for help is not something abnormal or something showing weakness.
Well done.
Deeply touching article. I would have said that it is beautiful but there's nothing beautiful about this story. It's a sad and ugly truth.
Francesca if all the women of our age would only be willing to admit it,the comfort we seek is what is driving us nuts. Where are all the so called women leaders? Where are all the so called NGO s' that campaign about women health? Women fall deeper and deeper into depression and there is no one absolutely no one to help. I am one of them.
Well done Francesca!
I was saying to a friend the other day, that our 'African Culture' restricts us from discussing serious social issues like domestic abuse, insecurities and other psychological issues, and she goes "So what should we do? Go on Oprah and start crying? abeg leave that oyinbo talk joh!"
and I felt real sad, because until we admit we do have a very serious problem, then we're not going to make any real attempts to solve it! I know at times when I've felt really low and depressed, the response from friends and family has always been "Come on buckle up!" or "Say Psalms 6, 8 and 41, three times at midnight for 3 days!"
Yes, the Psalms do work, but what about people for whom reciting Psalms isn't enough? or doesn't provide permanent succor? What happens to them?
I sincerely hope that through your writings, more people will find the courage to speak up and speak out about these issues, and hopefully, we will find the courage to address them once and for all.
Thank you for sharing the truth, and for being so brave to say it all. I can relate with what you've written. Its tough getting through every day I find comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
I like this.. Someone who sees things objectively.. Keep it up