by Lisa Steadman

 If you give it one more shot with your ex, those relationship obstacles might magically disappear and you two could make a go of the “happily ever after” thing once and for all. 

It’s over: not only is your relationship in the rearview mirror, your breakup is settling into the dust, too. And yet here you are, thinking about your ex and wondering if you gave up too quickly. Asking yourself if it’s too late to make the relationship work.

I get it. I’ve been there. Once upon a time — way before marriage with “The Hubs” and my brief foray as an #ImposterMom to my niece I was in the throes of my big breakup, and it was messy. I was 30, watching all of my friends settle down with amazing men and having adorable babies. And there I was, single and broken-hearted. Again.

If I had a reality series, they would have called it Loser at Love.

Things are different for me now. I never made it onto Loser at Love, but every day I talk to men and women around the world about all things love-related through my live online relationship advice TV show, GAME OVER: Street Smart Love Advice. Several times a week, someone inevitably asks whether or not they should get back together with their ex. I’ll be honest: My standard response is a big, fat no.

But here’s the deal: my hell, no may be your hell, yeah. And if that’s the case, I want to arm you with the best advice so you can figure out exactly why you want to get back together with your ex, and how, if you’re careful, it could actually turn out to be one of the best decisions you ever make.

Here are four legitimate reasons you should consider rekindling that flame — but not after careful consideration.

1. Because This Time It Could Really Work: Everything that didn’t work in your relationship before, be it cheating, opposing values, dishonesty, lack of respect, different life goals, money woes, political leanings, religion, children or a pantheon of other factors should be considered. If you give it one more shot with your ex, those relationship obstacles might magically disappear and you two could make a go of the “happily ever after” thing once and for all. But you’ll probably have to work on them. If you find yourself saying “maybe — just maybe — things will be different this time,” you’re not alone. Smart, successful, amazing individuals just like you tell themselves this all the time to reconnect with their ex. My question to you is this: Is your ex saying the same thing? Are you in agreement about what things need to change in the relationship before you give it another go? (Because some things should definitely change). If the answer’s yes, Game ON. If the answer’s I don’t know or no, Game OVER.

2. Because You’ve Worked On Improving Yourself: In the wrong relationship, we don’t tend to work on ourselves — there’s no time! Instead, you spend your days riding the rollercoaster of emotional drama or stuck in the rock-bottom of mediocrity. There’s freedom there: you don’t have to take responsibility for yourself or your life. You don’t have to follow your dreams or evolve into the amazing human being you know deep down you’re meant to become. That’s the beauty of going back to your ex: None of that tricky, elusive and painful personal growth. But what if (and I’m just playing devil’s advocate here) what if you did decide to grow? What if you gave yourself permission to become your best self? Would your ex be capable of celebrating, supporting, and nurturing that version of you? Would he have grown as well? Think about it this way: in the wrong relationship, you don’t get to be who you know you’re meant to become. In the right one, you are seen, celebrated, loved, accepted and supported for becoming just that. So right about now, are you saying Game ON or Game OVER to giving your ex another go?

3. Because Your Ex Might Actually Be Someone Special Instead Of So-So: I get it. Being single can sometimes suck. Especially as you watch all of your girlfriends settle down, get married, and live a life that feels out of reach. But guess what’s even worse than being temporarily alone? Being lonely in a relationship with the wrong person forever. Sure, you can make the case that settling for a mediocre relationship means you’re sure to reach all those life milestones: marriage, baby and “now what.” But I’ve gotta tell you: Those milestones are only meaningful with the right person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: had I married and had a child with any other man I’d dated or been in a relationship with prior to meeting The Hubs, I would either be divorced or in jail for murder. So how do you feel? Is your ex truly someone special? Is your ex a Game ON or a Game OVER?

4. Because Big Risks Can Pay Off: The disappointment that accompanies the demise of a relationship can be paralyzing. It’s not just that you loved your ex and the life you had together; it’s that the version of “happily ever after” you constructed in your head and heart is forever gone, and you’re forced to mourn the loss alone. This, by far, is the most compelling reason women want to get back together with their ex. And while I think there’s nothing more exciting than for an individual to walk away from the wrong relationship (whether they got dumped or did the dumping) so they can ready themselves for the right one, I get that the risk of believing someone better is out there may feel far too, well, risky. If you’ve truly taken the time to search around and consider other options but still feel that your ex is the one, you might have something there.

But here’s the thing all major leaders and successful love stories will tell you: Without great risk, there is no great reward. I think you’re worthy of gambling on. I’m betting if you don’t get back together with your ex, you will eventually find the most amazing love of your life. But again — I said eventually. I know that’s a frustrating word when your ex is available immediately.

So there you have it. Four compelling reasons to get back together with your ex and the reality checks that accompany each one. So there’s just one more question: when it comes to getting back together with your ex, are you saying Game ON or Game OVER?

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Read this article in Your Tango

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija