by Gimba Kakanda

I love how Sadiq deconstructed your Soyinka, an overrated professor who has no PhD. Shame. Our friend, a certified ajebota, Salihu Dasuki Nakande got his PhD at age 24.

Abacha, our Abacha, the last of the true Generals and defenders against western imperialism, is dead and Nigerians, whose cowardice is both genetic and legendary, have become activists united against his ghost.

You see, our activists only pick a fight with the dead, they pick a fight with this dead soldier, because they lack the “street credibility” to mobilise the people against living politicians—merely to prove their bravery to their white sponsors who, they pretend they don’t know, are just manipulative imperialists exploiting the poverty expressed in their demonstrations of patriotism. Even those cockroaches who remained in the dark, unspeaking all through Abacha years, have now gained baritone voices, fabricating stories of their “involvements” and “engagements” in “pro-democracy struggles”, as they queue behind a frail old man, Wole Soyinka, to vilify Abacha and even us.

Yes, every family that didn’t use “Abacha stove” in those good years are now seen as accomplices in the fall of this country.

But why is everyone hating on us? When is it a crime to be an ajebota? So because our colleague, Sadiq Abacha, finally condescended, after persistent persuasions, to lecture your role model, Wole Soyinka, an asylum-seeking common writer whose schizophrenia is no longer a rumour, you’re calling for our heads? Is it our fault that your parents are not smart enough to get rich? That you used “Abacha stove” in those years was because you were poor and your father was broke. Your improved conditions today is a testimony that Abacha had given you opportunities to secure education, though understandably substandard, but still better than what’s obtainable at your schools now, which made you smarter than your parents.

It’s so interesting that Nigerians who were in their panties, all below age 10, in Abacha’s regime, are the most outspoken critics of his government today. They didn’t really experience the time, but are critics now, having been indoctrinated by the famously biased media representations of the South-romanticising Lagos-Ibadan press who are ever quick to vilify northerners that refuse to offer fat brown envelopes to their owners. Do not mistake your childhood naïveté for history, little tigers. You may consult your senior colleagues who were part of the two-million youths march organised by Daniel Kanu-led Youths Earnestly Asking for Abacha, that tampered with the blood pressure of CIA-controlled media moguls in the West.

Lazy journalism is responsible for all the Abachas have passed through in these past horrible years, and despite all he has done for the country. Is it not true, as Sadiq highlighted, that Inflation went from 54% to 8.5% under Abacha? Is it not true that our foreign currency reserves increased from 494 million dollars in 1993 to 9.6 billion dollars by the middle of 1997? Is it not true, also, that our peacekeeping operations were the hope of this continent? Things fell apart after the death of Abacha.

Today, you say that Abacha stole money, but can you tell me any Nigerian president or head of state, living or dead, that didn’t do the same? Abacha didn’t expect his death, which was why he couldn’t tie the loose ends of his offshore accounts. The others, before and after him, were lucky. How is the present any different from Abacha’s days? Did the presidency, under Goodluck Jonathan, not steal $20 billion? Did the security personnel, under Goodluck Jonathan, not kill unarmed protesters during the fuel subsidy removal protests? Did the presidency, in a democratic system, not suspend a CBN Governor by decree? You even say that Abacha killed Ken Saro Wiwa, but he was not the Judge who headed the tribunal set up to try Wiwa. You don’t even know what Wiwa did. If Justice Ibrahim Auta who tried Wiwa had no conscience, he wouldn’t have become the Chief Judge of the Federal High Court. See? History is already pulling Abacha out of this lake of propaganda designed by NADECO leaders, former exiles-turned-politicians, who only succeeded in teaching us how to loot national resources with wisdom – through ownership of newspaper houses to counter political witch-hunts and vilifications.

The judiciary has cleared Major Hamza Al-Mustapha of trumped up charges of responsibility in the killings of the pro-NADECO, so why are we pointing finger at the ghost of Abacha still? Our soldiers who were the toast of every pop singer and apple-offering Indian dame in Abacha days are now being used for experiments in guerrilla warfare by ordinary Aboki terrorists. Shame! And if Abacha were a bad person, General Muhammadu Buhari, the only morally upright elder in the country right now wouldn’t have served under him, overseeing implementations of populist projects as head of Petroleum Trust Fund.

See, let me tell you something, those miserable countrymen overseas, who have turned Abacha vilification into a career, in their campaign to defeat him, his ghost that is, are not honest with you. They’re doing so to justify their continuous stay, long after the death of the General, in those grand European and American cities where, from washing dead bodies of lower-class white people, they have acquired education and even managed to secure small jobs, validating their claims of “living large”. I have seen them, misery wrinkled in their faces, in my many holidays outside Nigeria.

Everyday they upload photos on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram with accompanying captions “Chillling tinz”, “YOLO” and even “Life is Good…” to introduce us to their realities which are blurred by photoshopping. Those tax-evading asylees and migrants are everything but comfortable. Their life is a lie, a fraud that gets them attacking the Abachas. They were there on claims of persecution by Abacha. One, a famous novelist, has been going from campus to campus, Harvard to Princeton, telling the white people that he, an incomparable genius, was on death row in Nigeria and that he had seen prisoners nailed on ceilings from their penises, thanking his gods, the white men and their liberalism, for rescuing him, away from Abacha, away from Babangida, away from Buhari, and making him a better person. But, wait for it, unholy shame, my good friend, a freelance investigative blogger has exposed him: your novelist has never ever been anywhere close to a police counter, let alone a maximum security prison. But he still vends those fabrications to make a living in America, to demonise you and your country. Yet you celebrate him!

I know, my dear countrymen, you do not understand the game of this army of pretend activists overseas, who have scammed us all, used you as foot soldiers of their fabrications. This is not fault of yours, I blame it on your schools. Did you actually know the three classic laws of thoughts before reading Sadiq’s powerful letter to Soyinka? Instead of thanking Sadiq for that free tutorial, you’re cussing us. For what? Is it also our fault that, having graduated from schools where you shared classrooms with lizards, the laws of thoughts seem like obscure lines from Shakespeare’s unpublished play – The Incomprehensibiliad? Why must we always be the scapegoats of your failures? Were you there when our parents were looting your treasury? Who are your witnesses? Those silly things you see in the media are sponsored. Not that I expect you to believe me, anyway. You’re all incapable of thinking without those abstruse rants of your sadistic journalists and columnists, which is why we’re organizing a party to celebrate brother Sadiq’s victory this weekend.

Sadiq didn’t address his letter to you for a reason. He knows you lack the intellect to comprehend the microeconomics of government, and even the Nobel laureate himself was correctly taught elementary philosophy to enhance his cognitive abilities, before he was intellectually taken to the cleaners. I love how Sadiq deconstructed your Soyinka, an overrated professor who has no PhD. Shame. Our friend, a certified ajebota, Salihu Dasuki Nakande got his PhD at age 24. The paragraph below, a necessary education for you and your amnesiac professor, is what we call knockout in boxing:

“You say, with the weight of your sense of history and the authority you possess on national issues that ’a vicious usurper under whose authority the lives of an elected president and his wife were snuffed out‘ referring to my late father, you must be growing old, or you would rightly recall that that president elect you refer to did not die while my father was alive.”

Busted. This historical revisionism alone is enough for the forfeiture of his Nobel Prize. Thank you, Sadiq. Let’s re-educate these emotionally petty, ignorant, hate-mongering, angry young men being played by the Establishment. See you in Miami shortly. We love you, bro!

Gymber Cacandah,
CEO, Cacandah Oil & Gas

Ps: If you think I was not an ajebota in Abacha years because you knew when Ya-Kulu was sending me to go get chaff at Dogo Mai-Injin’s place, God is watching you. May God save us from us!

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.