by Stanley Azuakola
This week’s news, with a pinch of salt!
Lagos to Introduce New Taxes
The Lagos state governor, Babatunde Fashola has assured Lagosians that his government’s recent doggedness in demanding TV and cable taxes is only the beginning as it plans to introduce new taxes for blackberry users, individuals with more than 100 facebook friends, ladies wearing more than one layer or colour of makeup, guys putting on skinny jeans and father-in-laws collecting bride-prices.
President Jonathan sets the pace
President Jonathan’s electoral victory due to his shoeless childhood has sparked-off a new trend. The Senate confirmed Dr. Samuel Ortom as minister because he used to be a motor-park tout before going on to school. Now Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala has assured President Jonathan that she is in the best position to loosen Nigeria’s economic knots because she’s never been good at tying anything, not even her head tie; Prof. Wole Soyinka has boasted that he is the father of modern afrocentricism because he has maintained an afro right from birth and Gov. Sylva of Bayelsa who faces a re-election campaign in 2012 says he deserves four more years as governor because he used to be a major supplier of Indian hemp.
All hail the new letter writing czar
Chief Dele Momodu who caused the major upset of the 2011 presidential elections by securing over twenty thousand votes has taken up a new job as letterwriter-in-chief of ThisDay newspaper. Since his return to the paper some weeks ago, his back-page column has been wholly dedicated to letter writing. So far, he has written to President Jonathan (twice), all Nigerians and to the new ministers. He has now promised to move to other important stakeholders like ex-militants/ex-convicts, soft-sell magazine publishers, socialites and Awo-wannabes.
Banks accused of misinformation
Nigerian banks have been accused of deliberating misinforming the public as their maxims/catch-phrases do not truly reflect their corporate identity. Below is the first batch of what some Nigerians thought the banks should really be emphasizing.
- Intercontinental: cranky customer, crappy bank
- PHB: Poor customer service –at Bank PHB we’ve already mastered it
- Union: sick, strung, undeniable
- Fidelity: We’re infidels, we skip our words
- Sterling: the worn customer bank
Crowned Clown of the week: The CeeCee for this week goes to the President of the Civil Rights Congress of Nigeria, Shehu Sani, who suggested that government should apologize and compensate Boko Haram over the death of their leader, set up a Federal Ministry of Peace and Religious Harmony and formally incorporate all Islamic sects into the mainstream Islamic bodies. Laughable! The late Boko Haram leader was an extremist who’d killed police officers in the past. Apologizing for his death is like asking America to apologize for killing Osama –it’s not gonna happen. Also, a new ministry is unnecessary, it would only add to an already bloated civil service. And what does Mr. Sani mean by “incorporating all sects into mainstream Islam” –what if they preach violence or secession? These suggestions are naive, impracticable and dangerous, and for that Mr. Sani carts away the CeeCee this week.
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