by Cheta Nwanze

Speaking of funding, the number of reports I’ve been reading in recent times about how #BokoHaram get their funding leaves me in some kind of envy over their apparent business acumen in skirting the fine line between being a terrorist group and a conglomerate. 

Consider me, I could buy beans and plantain at Cinnamon Cafe for N1000, or walk down the road and buy burgers and fries forN2000. I would have spent a bit more on feeding, but I will not have helped myself based on the quality of what I will have ingested. If there is one thing that the current Prez has gotten right, it is military spending. Or at least, the amount of dosh allocated to our armed services each time the budget gets passed mid-year. According to the busybodies at the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute, Nigeria’s military spending has increased fifteenfold since 1999, the last budget signed off by a military dictator. Oh the irony, bloody civilians spending more on the army than army khakis…

However, it is not about throwing money at the problem, it is about how such monies are used. So when we hear an Army Khaki moaning about funding, we wonder what has happened to previous, hefty funds. “Currently, budgetary allocation for the military is inadequate,” moaned Major-General Abdullahi Muraina, the Army’s bean-counter, while far away in Chibok, a bloody civilian helped troops stuck in the mud.

Speaking of funding, the number of reports I’ve been reading in recent times about how #BokoHaram get their funding leaves me in some kind of envy over their apparent business acumen in skirting the fine line between being a terrorist group and a conglomerate. Fresh from being accused of being involved in the drug trade, in human trafficking, and of selling used cars, it appears that these chaps also poach wildlife…

Finally, speaking of people who, err, buy junk food, the FeeDeeFee has promised to behave itself in 2015. “We won’t buy votes in the 2015 elections,” whimpered Niger state babariga, Babangida Aliyu, while neglecting to mention if given that the elections are early in 2015 anyway, whether FeeDeeFee wouldn’t find it prudent to engage in early purchase of votes…

Bits and Bobs
A few bullets told hotel owner, Sunny Okonye found out that campaign papers posted on your hotel fence should be taken as wallpaper, and left in peace. Our Gavel is no longer entranced. Aminu Tambuwal has directed that the probe into the lifestyles of the rich, famous and beautiful should go on as planned. In Kaduna, Fulani herdsmen have insisted in an open letter to the guv’nor that the people who attacked them should be found. Expect them to take matters into their own hands when the baggers aren’t found. Finally, my friend Chinedu Ozordi suffers this regularly. A church loudspeaker by his bedroom window. He will be glad to read this. There’s hope.

Right of Reply
Cosanna Preston wrote,
It’s a testament to how bad things have become when a bombing that kills over a hundred people in Jos is but a mere footnote in your daily tonic 🙁

Chxta responds,
To be honest, I was mentally exhausted when I heard about the latest incident in Jos. But since you like self-flagellation, enjoy this

Austin wrote,
You will re call that these new green federal transport police once emerged at the peak of the political turf war between Lagos and the center. Then Ogunlewe was minister for works under president Obasanjo. Like then, my prediction is they will vanish sooner or later.

Chxta responds,
The problem isn’t that they will disappear sooner or later, the problem is the problem they will cause while they are around.