by Jude Egbas

Okupe: I still can’t wrap my head around how you dropped your guard so badly. I mean, it was a bit out of character. You left traces all over the place. The Galaxy backbone, the microsoft document all had your name screaming everywhere. This is what it means to be caught pants down. Untidy stuff, if you ask me.

The ‘Media Strategy Room’ in the Presidency is often a raucuous affair; with Presidential media aides often screaming at the top of their voices to buttress just how well the previous week’s media offensive had gone. In this room, propaganda is hatched and harnessed, alcoholic beverages are consumed without let and aides banter and guffaw while snacking on poorly prepared sausages and steaks.

It is past noon on Friday in the capital. Three men pace the room pensively, their hands firmly tucked in their pant pockets. They are: Reuben Abati (Special Adviser to the President on Media and Publicity), Doyin Okupe (Senior Special Assistant to the President on Public Affairs) and Reno Omokri (Special Assistant to the President on New Media).

It’s been some 48 hours since #WendellGate. Reuben Abati breaks the pin drop silence now enveloping the room with a guffaw that may have echoed around the Presidency…

Abati: (Throaty laughter) buahahahahahaha……..buahahahahahahahaahahaha (holds his sides, still reeling in uncontrollable laughter). Oh boy!

Omokri: I don’t see what’s funny here. We are all in this mess together.

Abati: No, you are the joke Mr Wendell Simlin. (mimics American accent) What will you like to drink? Tea or coffee? You want some hamburger to go with that? (Laughs intermittently). All we need do now is hand you a pair of glasses which you have to wear around the tip of your nose, a briefcase and dye your hair blonde. And then you have to be walking around in a measured fashion with an attitude…

Okupe: How did you even arrive at the name….Wendell Simlin? Sounds like a character from my kids’ cartoon series.

(General laughter)

Omokri: Ok, guys. Stop! Just stop!!! I am a complete wreck as it is and if I got the memo right, we are here to proffer solutions not rub the misery in….

Abati: (stifles laughter). Okay, Mr Wend…..sorry….Omokri. This was a strategy gone sour. Let’s see how we can clean up your mess.

Okupe: I still can’t wrap my head around how you dropped your guard so badly. I mean, it was a bit out of character. You left traces all over the place. The Galaxy backbone, the microsoft document all had your name screaming everywhere. This is what it means to be caught pants down. Untidy stuff, if you ask me.

Omokri: I know, right! I should have used a different computer or asked someone else to do the job. Was plain stupid of me. But then again, I didn’t expect anyone to scrutinise the document.

Abati: Oh, never under-estimate the average Nigerian out there with his knowledge of the computer and all! With this tech savvy generation, you can never be too thorough. You should have known, Reno. You deal with these guys everyday in the Social Media and you can see how very smart they are.

Omokri: I guess we’ll all be the better for this (shrugs). We all commit blunders occasionally.

Okupe: Yeah, we all do. I recall Abati’s blunder when he took on House of Reps Speaker, Aminu Tambuwal on body languages and all….I thought that was a tad disrespectful.

Abati: Hear, hear!!! Look who’s talking. Who is more disrespectful than you, the attack lion? Who has made more enemies for this administration than you, Okupe? How about just last week when you practically told the Borno State Governor he didn’t know what he was talking about on security? The Chief Security Officer of a State? And to think you almost exacerbated the ASUU crisis with your foul language. (Flares up) Please don’t school me on respect. You only need to look at yourself.

Okupe: I only do my job according to the brief handed down to me.

Abati: And I don’t? Please just cut the crap…

Okupe: (index finger now on the tip of Abati’s nose as he gesticulates furiously in his thicker frame) I won’t take that, Reuben. One more word…..

Omokri: Can we all grow up now?! Please calm down, everyone. Take a deep breath or something.

(Abati and Okupe take their seats, still pouting).

Look, I am Wendell Simlin and I am not a forger.

(General laughter)

You all had inputs into that document linking suspended CBN Governor, Sanusi Lamido, with the rise in Boko Haram activities in the country. It was in this same room that we all agreed to push it out there. I was only doing my job, come to think of it.

Okupe: Like hell, you were. But no one expected you to be that careless.

Omokri: The point here is, this is no longer about Reno Omokri. We all have some share (no matter how little) in the blame. And we all have to decide right here, the best clean up method.

Abati: Hmmmm. Have you tweeted anything as a way of response?

Omokri: No, not yet.

Abati: Good. Do not respond. The mark of a tough cookie is what he doesn’t say in the face of provocation.

Omokri: It’s tough. The barrage of attacks on my Twitter handle has been overwhelming. The temptation to own up, apologise and make peace is…..

Okupe: You shall do no such thing, Mr Wendell!

Omokri: Call me that one more time and I’ll have your share of ‘Nkwobi’ at the buka tonight.

(General laughter)

Okupe: You know no one messes around with the attack lion, especially on matters of national importance like ‘Nkwobi’. Anyway, you have to stay as silent as possible in the face of provocation on Twitter. Those chaps are your primary constituency and handling them with some respect is always key.

Abati: And I hear you ‘block’ Tweeps a lot on Twitter. You may have to begin ‘unblocking’ some of them now. We don’t want to give the impression that we are a media team who brook no dissent. Bring your Ipad and let’s begin ‘unblocking’ some folks. That’s one first step to mending the fissures.

Omokri: Okay.

Okupe: So, what do you tweet these days?

Omokri: Only State House activities or what the President does in his bedroom.

Abati: Good. Keep it that way.

Omokri: Oh, how I miss Tweeting on proverbs, inspirational quotes and God! If I tweet those, no one will take me seriously any longer, let alone believe me.

Abati: Yeah. That’s one price to pay. It’s even worse to think you are some “Man of God”, using a pseudonym and sending a fake email to foment trouble and drag someone else’s reputation in the mud. I mean, which man of God worth his name will do a thing that gross? Only Mr Shunpiking of course!

Omokri: (Head bowed)I have sinned against God and man.

Okupe: Biko, keep that hackneyed line of contrition for your flock next Sunday.

Abati: What will you even tell them in Church on Sunday? Something like, “Good morning brethren, with love from Wendell Simlin and family”?

(General laughter)

Omokri: Do you guys also realise that the calls for my sack have reached fever pitch? Three stinging editorials from Bloggers and online newspapers asking the President to fire me immediately.

Okupe: Nah, the President won’t fire you. You were acting according to script.

Abati: Yeah, you were only acting according to script. Call it part of the overall game plan with approval from our “Oga at the top”. You’ll only get a mild rebuke to be more careful next time. But please, avoid being confrontational on Twitter or Facebook.

Omokri: Ok, Sirs.

Abati: And how many more fake names do you have out there?

Omokri: Bros, dem plenty o! On Twitter alone, I probably have seven fake accounts if not more. Sometimes, I interact with myself on my Twitter page. I am awesome like that.

Okupe: ‘Hediot’!

(General laughter)

Curtains…

*Similarities of characters, events or places used here to persons living or dead is purely coincidental

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This article was published with permission from Ekekeee.com

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.