by Stanley Azuakola

Obasanjo Tutors Jonathan

NO one was sure about why ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo wields such strong influence on the current administration of President Jonathan. However, details have emerged which show that the ex-president’s power stems from the fact that he is President Jonathan’s lesson teacher. Obasanjo is tutoring Jonathan on the course: How to lead like Obasanjo, warts and all. According to an Aso Rock insider who briefed A Pinch… the tutorials intensified as Jonathan entered Year 2 of his dispensation with Obasanjo warning that “bringing Okonjo-Iweala to babysit is not enough of my ways.” He therefore charged his student to do the following:

• Give Ojo Maduekwe something in your administration (there’s a reason that man has been in every administration since the days when you were just a college teacher) — Jonathan quickly responded by naming Maduekwe Nigerian ambassador to Canada.

• Junket round the world in the presidential jets (that’s why you have them. Besides you can’t win Nigerians over, they’ll always criticise you. So do your best to make oyibo people like you) – Jonathan promptly obeyed, flying everywhere even at the peak of crisis in Nigeria.

• Talk hardcore (you can’t keep on doing the I’m-not-a-lion routine, you’ve got to man up) — Jonathan took it to heart, recently unleashing a new line during a media chat: I am Jonathan and I don’t give a damn.

• Be harsh and display strength (let Nigerians know who’s the boss)  — Jonathan obeyed, and has been on a sacking spree ever since with Azazi, Oniwon and Mohammed as casualties.

• Fight, beat and utterly annihilate your Vice-President (trust me the thrill from this would ever make you to ‘dey laugh-o’) — Will President Jonathan apply this lesson?

 

Was Lawan Drilled?

FOLLOWING the appearance of Hon. Farouk Lawan at the House Ethics Committee hearing which took place behind closed doors, a newspaper carried a story titled; “Farouk Lawan drilled behind closed doors.”  However, Lawan addressed a press conference disputing the report. According to Lawan: “For the avoidance of doubt, nobody drilled me from behind. This is the work hatched by my detractors to land me in jail for 14 years. Let me state to everyone’s hearing that I’m a full-blown man (please ignore my small voice and stature,) I can’t allow anyone to drill me from behind unless its money, not bribe, they’re drilling with. I agree we met privately, but it was only because I now have phobia for cameras, whether hidden or open. I know that I’ll be vindicated in the end.”

 

In Defence Of Goodluck

A GROUP, The Goodlucklings, have debunked reports from certain quarters, which quote the president saying that he doesn’t give a ‘damn’. In a pamphlet, which they distributed, they argued that “the president was quoted out of context because of his accent.”   According to them, Jonathan actually wanted to say “I don’t give a ‘dame’ but ended up pronouncing it wrongly. How can he give a ‘dame’? Is she not his wife? Does being president mean he’ll share that too?” However, when confronted by someone who questioned how Jonathan could say ‘dame’ in response to a question on asset declaration, the story changed. The group said, “Oh, sorry, what we actually meant that the president meant to say was ‘I don’t give a dime.’ You want him to announce his assets so that Nigerians, especially Otuekens, would start begging him to partake in his hard-earned wealth? No, he doesn’t give a dime!”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

A Pinch… wishes all corps members travelling to their various states of deployment a safe trip. A few months ago after some died when rushing to the states they’d been posted to, the then Youth Minister, Bolaji Abdullahi said he was going to put an end to the era where prospective NYSC members do not get to know where they’re posted to until it’s two or three days to camp.  He didn’t keep his word. Once again, some corps members are even receiving their letters today (some will receive tomorrow), and are expected to travel to wherever they’re posted on or before Monday (tomorrow.) Now that’s how you spot a country/institution with no regard for its young. If in a bid to rush and avoid being penalised, the corpers enter rickety buses or overloaded ones and tragedy strikes, we will weep, dry our eyes and post the next set of death-nominees, right after we’ve set up a committee to investigate the immediate and remote causes. The new Youth Minister and NYSC DG should reset the remote and change this format immediately. It’s not a virtue to maintain the course set by clowns.

 

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt … is satire – a riff off news over the past week.