by Kim Olver
Men equate sex with desirability. Help your man to feel desired by expressing your love in a physical way.
Most men do not cheat because they don’t love you anymore. Men cheat because they want more variety in their sex lives. Some complain of being bored. They want to feel adored by their partners; they want to asert their freedom; they are tired of disappointing you; they want a partner who places them at the center of their life, and they no longer feel like the priority in yours.
Sometimes it’s because you are speaking different love languages, and some men say it is a biological directive to procreate with as many women as possible for survival of the species. Whatever the reason, men have an innate need to feel respected and appreciated by their partners. It is most disconcerting for a man to realize he has disappointed his partner in some way. He wants to be her hero.
1. Be willing to initiate sex. Men equate sex with desirability. Help your man to feel desired by expressing your love in a physical way.
2. Be open to experimentation. It can be easy to get comfortable and fear of the unknown can stop you from being open to different sexual experiences. Allow your man to try new things with you. If you won’t, there will be someone else who will. I’m not saying to engage in sexual activity you find repulsive but allow yourself to experience new things with the man you love.
3. Don’t over-accomodate. Sometimes in a relationship, a woman can become too accommodating. Men get into relationships with a very clear picture of what a lifetime partner looks like and this is often in stark contrast to whom he may have dated casually. Women work to become the person their partner wants them to be and in doing so, they lose themselves. One day, their man realizes this is what he asked for but he isn’t sure it’s what he really wants. Maintain a healthy sense of self in your relationship.
4. Don’t become too controlling. Often without realizing it, when we get into relationships we attempt to control the other person to do what works best for us. We engage in destructive relationship habits such as complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing or rewarding to control.
5. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. Sometimes when women “get” the guy and get married, they begin to get a false sense of security. Remember, all relationships are voluntary. A person can leave at any time. With an over 50% divorce rate in this country, we need to remember how important it is to maintain a positive relationship, not simply to acquire one.
7. Be aware of your emotions. Whether or not we are aware of it, women are masters at using their emotions to communicate volumes without speaking any words. We communicate anger, rage, sadness and disappointment that is received by our partners.
Instead of taking that as a cue to do something different, some men begin to look for another partner who idolizes them the way you used to. Don’t forget, your man wants to know he lights you up not that he is constantly disappointing you.
8. Prioritize your relationship. Often, when a man cheats, you will find the woman is also having an “affair” that’s not sexual. It’s more socially appropriate. This “affair” takes the form of prioritizing something, anything, over the relationship. This could be a job, children, a sick relative, a charity or anything that puts her man lower on her totem pole than the first position.
Prioritize your relationship over everything else. This is the relationship you want to last for all your life. Other things will fade away and the relationship will still be there if you tend to it carefully.
9. Learn his love language. If you are not familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, please read it. It has the potential to save more marriages than marriage counseling has. Learn your man’s love language and speak it to him regularly. He will know he is loved and remain true to you.
10. Find his relationship pattern. I do not know how to combat the biology argument. Some men simply believe it is hard wired into their genes to have sexual relations with as many women as they can. If this is your man, it probably won’t matter what you do. Try to recognize these men early on by asking about their dating history.
If this is a pattern with your man, he probably isn’t likely to change just because you love him best. Your best defense against this problem is to be discriminating at the onset.
If you have read this article and wonder, what about him? What does he need to do? I wanted to write an article for women. I encounter more women in pain over their mate’s infidelity than I do men. This is for you.
And I want to conclude by saying, if you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t point your finger at your partner. Look into the mirror and decide what it is that’s causing the unhappiness. If you want something different from your man, ask for it. If he gives you what you want, then great! If he doesn’t then look inside yourself for the solution. Accept your man as he is and adjust yourself to better be able to manage your relationship. And if he is violating one of your non-negotiables, leaving might be your best option.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.