12 funny kinds of first-time drinkers we’ve all met

by Ankush Bahuguna

 

black couple drinking

 

Do you remember the first time you had booze – the essential rite of passage that almost every person goes through before they can become a fully-grown dysfunctional adult in their own right?

We certainly do – here’s a walk down the memory lane as we list out the 12 typical kinds of first-time drinkers found everywhere.

1. Dude In Denial

So, this kind of first-time drinker does not know what it feels like to be drunk – so even when they are well and truly pounded, they do not understand that the swaying and blurry vision is part of being drunk. So what do they do? Deny that they are drunk – and there’s no convincing them otherwise!

2. The Placebo Drunk

On the other hand, there is this kind – who will get drunk without having enough liquor to even make a cat tipsy. It is almost like the idea of getting drunk gets them drunker than actual liquor could. I mean, who gets drunk on a quarter cup of light beer, really?

3. Clingy Overdrinker

This kind of first-time drinker overdoes it – partly because of the excitement at the novelty and partly because of nervousness – and becomes a clingy pain in the… well, you know where this is going. You’d rather he downed a few more and passed out than being such a needy drag.

4. Breezer Wheezers

So, it is their first time and they do not want to get can’t-see-straight-help-me-get-out-of-this-chair drunk, so they go with the simplest drink available – Breezers. Well, watch out because they were right to be scared of getting drunk in the right place – these first-timers cannot even down two bottles of that drink before they start getting woozy.

5. The Bottomless Pit

On the other hand, there is always this one freak who seems to hold his liquor so well that he shames his other friends drinking with him. From a virgin drinker to being the top tippler – this is one guy who you would never want to be in a drinking game with.

6. Sniff, Swallow, Spit

Then there is this one, who approaches a vodka martini with all the caution of a surgeon approaching his first operation. He’ll sniff it, take one tiny sip, spit it out immediately and gag – wondering what joy drinkers find in this bitter, bitter liquid. Blargh!

7. Puke Machine

This one makes #3 look like an angel. They’ll not know their limit, being new to the game, and overdo it. What follows is throwing up in the toilet (if they’re lucky) or in the worst case scenario, projectile vomiting in the living room with 30 people watching. Not a great start to this drinking business.

8. The Nope Drinker

Religion, morality and 50 other hang-ups hound this kind – and to every drink offered by every friend of his in every party, he replies with ‘no’. But peer pressure is not something easy to resist, and he will eventually cave in – but he will go out fighting, this strong little man, with a thousand more ‘nopes’ echoing into the night.

9. Last Drink First Timer

This kind of first-timer knows that they probably need to take it easy the first time – but owing to whatever reason (whether emotional troubles or an early sign of alcohol dependency… ahem!) their first time drinking is marked by how many ‘last’ drinks they down over the course of the evening.

10. The Expressive One

It is so much fun drinking with this kind – it is pure joy to watch their faces go through a multitude of expressions as they take their first drink. Eyes squinting, nose scrunching up, lips pressed tight to keep themselves from spitting out the liquid – it is a five-second drama that truly marks the rite of passage.

11. Mr. Cool

#11 is not much different from the previous one – except that he will try his best to hide his expressions, and make sure that the company he is drinking in does not know he is screaming inside. He would have done a #6 if he were alone, but he is going to play it cool – because, you know, that’s how he rolls.

12. Wild Card

There is no way on earth you can actually include all kinds of first-time drinkers – and we know this from experience! And all the other kinds we missed out can basically be included in this category – the wild card. This kind of first-timer is the surprise element, because you cannot predict his drunken personality. He might turn into a chatterbox, a philosopher or even a closet psychopath!

Now that we have listed out the 12 kinds of first-time drinkers, you can probably relate to one, or a few of them yourself. The idea that drinking for the first time should be an amazing experience, much like sex, is overrated. As long as it is memorable, who cares?

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

 

 

 

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