5 keys to attracting epic love in 2013

by Sandy Weiner

Ladies, did you spend New Year’s Eve alone, watching the ball drop on TV, surrounded by your three cats and a bowl of Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche? Okay, maybe you went to a fun party with friends, but when the clock struck 12, you locked lips with your cocktail, not a boyfriend? You could have had that kiss. You could have been in a great relationship. So, why were you single this New Year’s Eve?

I don’t care how old or out of shape you are, how dismal your relationship past has been, or whether you think you live in a town without any eligible singles. I believe you can find love. And you can find it in 2013.

What’s the secret? Begin by treating men with the same kindess you show towards your best friend. You may not realize it, but you may be saying and doing things to men that are driving them away.

Men, you’re not off the hook here. Both genders could use some help in understanding the opposite sex. But for now, I’m addressing the women.

So women, let’s talk about your best girlfriend. You love and support her in good times and bad. You know she’s not perfect (who is?), and you still accept her for who she is. You don’t push her to change. You enjoy hanging out with her. She accepts you for who you are, flaws and all.

When’s the last time you treated a man like that? Were you totally yourself around your ex? You may have tried to do anything to please him, but you ended up over-giving, and it wasn’t reciprocal. And because you were treated poorly for your efforts, you probably shut down and gave him the silent treatment. Ouch.

Or maybe you got angry that you weren’t appreciated for your efforts, so you found yourself turning into a nag, pushing him to change the parts of himself that you didn’t like. When’s the last time you were motivated by nagging?

Maybe you were afraid that if you honestly expressed how you felt, he’d leave. So you stopped asserting yourself, stuffed your emotions, quietly imploding until you couldn’t take it anymore.

Does any of this sound familiar? Hey, I’ve been that woman, but not anymore. After my divorce, I made some big shifts. I worked on expressing my needs without stuffing, nagging or being a bitch. Most importantly, I started appreciating men and stopped emasculating them and making them wrong. I learned to stop feeling the need to take charge. As a result, I was open to receiving the delicious love that good men so badly want to give.

Are you ready to find epic love this year? Read on.

5 keys to finding lasting love in 2013

1. If the chemistry is a 10, run away. When the chemistry is through the roof, it’s almost impossible to be yourself. You’ll probably put him on a pedestal, which will leave you in a disempowered position. The only place for him to look is down. Stick with a solid 7 and you’ll be more likely to have a balanced relationship.

2. Find a man who’s your best friend first. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you’ll want a best friend, someone you can trust, confide in, and accept without trying to change. A relationship built on R.E.S.P.E.C.T. has a strong foundation for success.

3. Make sure he’s not a fair weather boyfriend. You know those friends, the ones who show up for you when things are going well? When things fall apart, they are nowhere to be found. That’s when your real friends come through. Same holds true for a good boyfriend. He’s there to hold your head when you’re throwing up, to comfort you when you’re devastated that your friend is sick with cancer, when life gets hard. Because let’s face it, this is real life. Stuff happens. Trust the man who is there for you when the stuff hits the fan.

4. Learn how to express your needs. Don’t stuff your emotions. Men are not mind readers. Let him know what you need and ask him what he needs. Do it from the start of the relationship. These are not skills we’re born with. I have spent many years perfecting the art of honest and compassionate communication, especially when the stakes are high. The quality of my relationships has improved and deepened in ways I never dreamed possible. More on that here.

5. Have a love vision. If you dream him, you will attract him into your life. Sounds a little woo-woo, but it’s the truth. Without clarity, it’s hard to get what you really want. If you walked into a Dunkin’ Donuts and asked for a donut, you’d get a blank stare. There are about 60 different donuts on the menu. Try asking for a red velvet munchkin, and bingo ~ you’ll get exactly what you wanted. Get clear about the ‘flavor’ of the man you’re seeking, the five attributes in a relationship that you can’t live without. And keep those top of the mind every time you meet a man. That kind of focus saves a lot of heartache and helps you laser in on the qualities that matter, not the ‘sugar coating’ that sometimes ‘glazes’ over your good sense.

Imagine this: It’s a year from now. New Year’s Eve 2014. And you’re in the most amazing relationship of your life, in front of the fireplace, sipping the bubbly, grateful that you have finally found lasting love.

Start small. Choose to focus on one of the 5 steps today. Step-by-step, you’ll be well on your way to attracting healthy love into your life.

Wishing you a Happy New Year and a happy new love.

Sandy Weiner is Chief Love Officer, Last First Date.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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