by Natalie Gontcharova, Amanda Green

When you’re in a relationship, you’re constantly showing your child how to communicate, how to fight fair and how to express your feelings for another person.

It’s hard for kids to watch their divorced parents date new people. Even harder: tagging along on their parents’ romantic getaway. In the new movie The Way, Way Back, Pam (Toni Collette) takes her 14-year-old son Duncan (Liam James) to Cape Cod, where they live with Pam’s new boyfriend Trent (Steve Carrell). The “vacation” is anything but relaxing, mainly because of the tension between Trent and Duncan. Below are six love lessons we can learn from the divorced parents in the movie.

1. You’re a parent first.

Pam is excited to spend the summer with her new boyfriend in his beach home-away-from-home; and she’s dragging her 14-year-old son Duncan along for the ride. Duncan doesn’t know anyone out there, although later he finds friends — and a male role model — through his job at the water park, Water Wizz. The job becomes an escape, and there are some positive people there to make him feel loved and appreciated. It’s clear that Pam is looking to start over and excited the new relationship — but she shouldn’t let it get in the way of her parenting. Her actions are pretty relatable, but she should still put her son on the front burner, instead of just dragging him along.

2. Don’t talk trash about your ex in front of your kid.

Betty (Allison Janney), the mouthy, often-tipsy next door neighbor, frequently talks trash about her ex-husband, who has come out of the closet since their divorce. She’s constantly asking her kids (Susanna, played by AnnaSophia Robb, and Owen, played by Sam Rockwell) to choose sides. Not only is it disrespectful to ask your children to choose a side, but they’re also often not mature enough to accept this type of information.

3. Remember: You’re the biggest relationship role model your kid has.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re constantly showing your child how to communicate, how to fight fair and how to express your feelings for another person. You want to make sure that you’re modeling the healthiest behavior you can. No parent is perfect and no relationship is perfect, but imagine that your child is going to do exactly what you’re doing someday: How would that make you feel about your behavior?

In parts of the movie, we see the kids shying away from making connections. Duncan, especially in the beginning, is withdrawn, brooding and upset. And Susanna shies away from him even though she likes him. It seems they are afraid to open themselves up to new relationships because the relationships they have observed aren’t the healthiest.

4. Pay close attention to how your partner treats your kid.

Trent is astoundingly immature and passive-aggressive in his relationship with Duncan. He constantly accuses Duncan of not pulling his weight chores-wise, he makes him wear a life jacket when everyone else is okay with him not doing so, and generally embarrasses him, implying that Duncan is immature. He’s trying to assert his place as the head of the household and Pam should be very careful about letting him take on that role. Instead, she lets things slide too much.

5. Make your partner’s kid feel welcome and loved.

Pam is much more sensitive to Trent’s daughter Steph (Zoe Levin) than Trent is to Duncan. When she finds out that Steph and her boyfriend broke up, she sincerely says “I’m sorry,” but tries not to invade the teenager’s privacy. It’s a bonding moment, and we don’t see any bonding between Trent and Duncan. The only time Trent talks to Duncan is when he criticizes him, so it’s no wonder than Duncan feels no compassion for Trent when he’s faced with a tough decision. If you want to show your partner a glimpse of what your life together would be like permanently, you should be good to their entire family. Your relationship is not just about you two.

6. Don’t let a new partner “take over.”

When Duncan appeals to his mom about Trent’s criticism, she tries to smooth things over, saying Trent is just trying to help. It makes Duncan feel like his mom won’t stand up for him. She shouldn’t let her boyfriend take over as a parent. As much as she seems to want Trent in that permanent parenting role, that’s something that should be established over time. Also, it’s clear that Duncan is grasping for a father figure, but not just anyone can take on that role: It has to be someone the child trusts.

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Read this article in Your Tango

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.