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A major denial, Boko Haram reads and more in the news today…with a pinch of salt!


by Stanley Azuakola

 

NTA in denial over UN House bomb blast

An organizational analyst, Mr Selle Itte has diagnosed the Nigeria Television Authority (NTA) with a peculiar case of post-traumatic denial (PTD) following their coverage of the August 26 UN House Bombing in Abuja. While other media outlets reported extensively on the incident, the NTA maintained that the blast was only the sound of fireworks at the Osun/Osogbo festival. When the NTA finally received clearance to report the blast, they were mentioning the arrival of 18 rescue workers at the scene, whereas others were reporting 18 bodies deposited at the morgue. According to Mr Selle Itte, the height of the denial was in the coverage of President Jonathan’s reaction to the blast. NTA showed President Jonathan at the blast scene, making a forceful, passionate speech that moved listeners to tears as the Nigerian flag swayed resolutely behind. This, obviously, wasn’t what other media outlets saw or reported.

Nigeria life expectancy level to continue its free fall

UNICEF’s Chief Ambassador in Nigeria, Dr Suomi Sakai, has revealed that Nigeria’s life expectancy will continue to drop below its present 48years if decisive steps aren’t taken to check some worrying trends. A rundown of the idiosyncratic trends to check are: 33 million Nigerians defecate in the open, depositing about 1.7million tonnes of faeces into the environment annually; 20% of adult Nigerians expect to be consoled by relatives after farting inappropriately; 90% of food vendors and cooks handle food immediately after ‘blowing’ their nose; and only 1-in-150million Nigerians wash hands after urinating by the roadside. Minister of Health, Prof Chukwu dismissed the report saying, “Dying is global. Perhaps it is the turn of Nigerians to be dying young. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.”

Boko Haram thanks President Jonathan

Nigeria’s flagship terrorist movement Boko Haram (Western Education is Sin), used the opportunity of a massive media searchlight on them this week to announce that they were dividing into six smaller and nimbler terrorist cells to boost effectiveness. Spokesman of the group, Bombay Nur, said the idea for the split came to them after reading the book, Small is Beautiful by E.F. Schumacher. Hence, they thanked President Jonathan for initiating the Bring Back the Book Campaign, a campaign whose immeasurable success compelled them to read. The new Boko Haram cells are Assalam Haram (Peace is Sin), Assulh Haram (Negotiation is Sin), Jimun-Taun-Faun Haram (JTF is Sin), Addunya Haram (This World is Sin), Alamir Aljahil Haram (A clueless leader is Sin), and Ashshuyukh Algubanau Haram (Old foolery is Sin). The various cells have now entered into branding and constitutional drafting stage.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

The CeeCee this week is a painful but necessary choice. It goes to the entire Nigerian security and intelligence network. Over yet another bloody seven day frame, we’ve seen Abuja under attack again and Jos bathed in blood again; yet all we got from our security and spy agencies was a slew of inchoate press conferences. In saner climes, the National Security Adviser, Inspector General of Police and the DG of State Security Services would have handed in their resignations. But ours is an assembly of sit-tight lords and an increasingly befuddled commander-in-chief condoning their buffoonery. A Pinch of N(u)ews believes that the case isn’t hopeless and – no – it isn’t our turn to be continuously attacked either. But first, our security outfits must get their acts together and begin to justify their massive budget. That’s right after they pick up the CeeCee this week.

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