CeeCee, Kisses and NSE in last week’s news…with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Senators to list themselves on the NSE

To help boost the ailing Nigerian Stock Exchange (NSE), senators have unfolded an ambitious plan which would have individual senators floated on the exchange and offer Nigerians the privilege of owning shares in their favourite senators. A senator who spoke to A Pinch…on condition of anonymity said: “We’ve been asking MTN, Shell and the others to list on the exchange since, and they’ve been forming. How much do they even make? Between you and me, senators make enough to bail out Italy and Greece combined.” Senate President David Mark has however said his own shares would be issued only via private placement as he believes that shares, just like mobile phones, are not for poor people.

 

Jonathan calls for continuity

President Jonathan has said he’s only supporting locally produced cassava bread instead of the normal wheat bread because he wants to ensure continuity in governance. During a cassava-bread breaking ceremony at the state house last week, the president said: “This cassava-bread we are sharing like this today, Obasanjo also shared in his time. That’s continuity. We want to remove subsidy today, Obasanjo tried and failed too. That’s continuity. I brought Ngozi as minister, so did Obasanjo. And by the grace of God, come February, I would have removed the governor of my home state; Obasanjo removed his own governor too. All these are examples of transformational continuities.”

 

FG to launch Kissass

Worried by the proliferation of “hostile elements” in facebook and twitter, the Federal Government has decided to launch its own social media platform, Kissass. In recent times the president’s facebook friends haven’t been too friendly with him. Also, the Youth minister who holds a monthly tweet-meet with youths on twitter was given a torrid time in the last edition. Kissass would be a response to those hiccups as unruly elements would be screened out while only those willing to kiss federal ass would be permitted to sign-up on the site. All government officials would have kiss-ass accounts and their followers/friends would be called kissers. When anyone subscribes to the page of an official, a notification is sent immediately (for instance, Tunde is now kissing Diezani,) and the official has the option of kissing back or unkissing.

 

Pinch-me

One persistent complaint about the Jonathan administration and shows no sign of abating is that the Federal Executive Council (FEC) doesn’t tackle serious issues during council meetings apart from awarding contracts.

The question for this week’s ‘Pinch-me’ polls is this: Do you think it’s high time the council moves to more important issues like Most Beautiful Girl in Council (MBGC) and Are you smarter than a fourth-grader? As usual, send your responses to the twitter handle or email address below this piece.

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Tonnie Iredia, former DG of the Nigerian Television Authority (NTA), writes a weekly syndicated column for some national dailies. He used that platform last week to pen one of the most ludicrous pieces of drivel ‘A Pinch’…has ever read. In the piece, Iredia chastised his own Benin people for being “sleeping giants” in Edo State and allowing “minorities” to “marginalise” them in their own state. ‘A Pinch’…could not make sense of Iredia’s argument that Benin people are being marginalised because a Benin man has never been made the Catholic Archbishop of Benin or because the present governor is not “one of theirs.” Lucky Igbinedion, a Benin man, was governor for eight years and made a monumental mess of the state. One wonders if Igbinedion’s incompetence was because he was Benin. As a rule, A Pinch…cannot stand arguments under any guise that exalt ethnicity and quota system over merit and competence. Iredia has run afoul of that rule and receives the CeeCee for that.

 

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‘A Pinch of Salt’ is a YNaija humour page, taking a daily swipe at current affairs from Nigeria and around the world.

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One comment

  1. Kiss-ass??? for real. lol. The comedy in this country doesn't seem to have eneded. So until we stop joking, we won't be serious enough to get anything maeaningful done.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail