by Chris Bamidele

Do you want to hear the truth? You are the number 9,999 dude in your hood that is getting that number. So don’t start jubilating that you have hit the jackpot, don’t dull yourself and start loving up, play your game very fast and tap out as quickly as you can. Yeske! except yah name na Fally Ipupa

Girls are so mysterious, most times enigmatic. They have more layers than an onion, and no man, not even the very wise King Solomon was able to figure them out. Girls are just confusing by default. Though many of them strive to be honest, truthful, and forthright; truth is they do not always tell the truth. Don’t get me wrong, men tell lies too, but most of the time, women tell the bigger lies, especially when in a relationship, trying to lock down a relationship, or trying to get out of one. These lies ranges from white lies, half-truths told to keep the peace, or sometimes just a lie of the highest proportion. Like I said, guys lie too. And maybe some of my female readers will decide to be awesome and tell us the lies men tell from their own perspective.

Now like I said, girls/women tell lies sometimes to get something from a man, get into a relationship with a man, lock down an existing relationship with a man, or trying to get out of a relationship with a man most times because of another man. Let’s hear some of these lies.

• I’ve slept with just two guys:

Ordinarily, men should not bother to ask their women how many guys they have been with before them, I wrote about body count before and it was even a big issue on twitter few days back. When a woman is asked for her body count, she will almost definitely lie about it and reduce the number. But the worst liars are the ones that will tell you “I have slept with just 2 guys, the one who deflowered me, and one guy I was dating in school, and it happened only once” When a girl tells you this, don’t believe her, don’t argue with her. Even if she has slept with 300 men, she can tell you her body count is just 3, and if 130, she might just tell you 13. It’s a matter of removing one or two zeros. So, whatever your woman tells you her body count is, don’t argue; just keep quiet. That’s not why we are here, abi?

• The sex was great, you are the greatest:

Listen bros, I am not saying you are not good in bed, But almost every woman will tell you that you are the next best thing in bed; that the likes Crixus and Spartacus are learners compared to you. But I need you to know that it’s hard for most women to be frank about sex, especially when the news isn’t good and they want to lock down the relationship with you. You are advised not to listen to her, but rely on her body language instead.

• I have never cheated on you and I never will:

This is very easy to say for women, especially when you are just done taking her to cloud 9; she will swear will everything that her honey pot has never been tasted by anyone else apart from you and it is meant for only you till thy kingdom come, she will even swear to that effect. My advice? Don’t bother your head, don’t start finding out, just nod like a zombie and carry on. Remember: what you don’t know can spare you.

• I’ll be ready in a minute:

Listen very carefully: You are going out on a date with a woman but she had earlier asked you to come to and pick her up at home. When you get to her and she goes “I’ll be ready in a minute” Tell her you want to get a recharge card down the road, turn your car back, go back to your house and slot in season 1 of 24, Game of Thrones of any interesting series. And before you are done with episode 6 probably, she would call to ask you if you had gotten the recharge card, then you can switch of your TV and DVD, and drive back to her house; you’d be right on time this time.

• I’m fine:

If you offend your woman, and before you apologize, she tells you “Don’t worry, I am fine” Biko, start calling everybody, her mother, her father, her grand uncle and anybody that you know she listens to, and tell them you have fucked up and you are a repentant sinner who needs forgiveness from your woman. If you fail to do that, you can start writing your will or something close to that.

• I will never get possessive and I will never nag you:

If any woman tells you this, it’s either she doesn’t love you at all, or you are a maga, simple! Women get possessive and women nag. If you believe otherwise, come and collect your learner permit.

• I usually don’t give guys my number, I don’t know why I am giving you:

Do you want to hear the truth? You are the number 9,999 dude in your hood that is getting that number. So don’t start jubilating that you have hit the jackpot, don’t dull yourself and start loving up, play your game very fast and tap out as quickly as you can. Yeske! except yah name na Fally Ipupa

• You are the only one I ever wanted:

When a woman especially the one from 30 years and above tells you “You are the only one for me, you are the one I wanted, I have been waiting for you all my life” Just nod and tell her you feel the same way, that she is the most FANTASTIC woman ever! Don’t argue, after-all you are the fall-back option, the last resort, the only one who didn’t run. You are the Awilo Longomba of Nigeria.

• It is not you, It is me; you deserve a better woman:

This one of the classic lies women tell when they want to leave for a fresher, richer and more handsome dude. You will do yourself a great favour by not drinking hypo or Dettol. She is done with you, she is leaving. All those talk na bobo.

• My father dreamt that something bad will happen if I marry you:

I will not say much about this, if a woman tells you this and you believe her and start hurting or running to your pastor to pray concerning the dream, when her father’s name is not Joseph; you will have to give me your Pastor’s number, you need to be delivered from the spirit of mumunism. Yes, there is a word like that. Ciao

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Chris Bamidele blogs at ChrisBamidele.wordpress.com and tweets @degreatest2

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.